2011

It's a new year, and it feels like real life will have to resume soon.  Every since December 11th, I haven't felt a part of the "real world" at all.  I was out of school, it was the holidays, and I lost one of my best friends.  But I'm ready for the new year. 

On the one hand, it's a weird feeling moving on to a new year because it feels like I'm leaving Carrisa behind in 2010.  I want her to share in the joy of the new year with us, but I know she can't.  On the other hand, it kind of feels like a fresh start and I know I have to keep moving whether I'm ready or not.

There's actually a lot to look forward to in 2011.  My 2nd semester in the MFT program at Chico State will pick up in a few weeks, and I love my program and my cohorts.  Lots of new friendships to look forward to.  I also recently got a grant from Chico State which allowed me to quit my 2nd job.  No more driving myself crazy being in Chico from 8 to 5 and then coming home to do hours of homework.  Dustin is also going back to school to major in physics, so I'm excited to see him grow and learn more about the things he's interested in.  I'm also looking forward to (hopefully) being able to move back to Chico possibly this summer, if we can afford it.  My brother is no longer in Iraq (thank you God!) and I will get to see him and my sister-in-law Brooke in May when he celebrates his 21st birthday (CRAZY!).  Laura is getting married in September, and I get to be her matron of honor!  Woo hoo!  Crystal is also starting school in a few weeks, and I'm looking forward to seeing what she accomplishes in the next few years.  She's SO smart.  

Then there's my friendships, which I know now more than ever I should never take for granted.  I didn't really make any specific resolutions this year, but I think if anything, I just want to show the people I love how much they mean to me on a regular basis.  That might mean not studying until I'm blue in the face so I can have a girls night with Lynae, Lynds, and Carla, but that's okay.  Grades mean nothing in the end, and love is everything.  (Thank you Dumbledore, for that valuable lesson! ;-).  It also might mean overlooking dustin's dirty clothes on the floor and telling him I love him instead, and that's okay too.

I thought about the last times I got to hang out with Carrisa in 2010.  Exactly 4 months to the day before her passing, Carrisa had taken me out to lunch at Upper Crust Bakery for my birthday.  She treated me and even bought me a birthday bottle of Merlot.  A couple months later, I went to her apartment to talk to her about taking over the church Facebook page, but it was more an excuse to hang out.  She made tacos and we watched a movie.  I watched Glee for the first time because Carrisa wanted to show me the lady gaga songs they did, she knew how much I like her (yeah, yeah, judge me all you want!).  Norah kept saying "ba ba" and I think also "na na" because she really likes her bottle and bananas!  Carrisa also played that one Maroon 5 song that Norah loves and we laughed because Norah danced to it every time!  She so has her mother's taste in music.

I think this year I'll be more aware of how precious all these kinds of interactions can be, even when they seem so casual at the time.  I want to love people more unconditionally and not be so judgmental.  I also want to be more active in my faith and stop just being "comfortable" with what I believe.  I want to be able to give a reason for the hope that I have, and that probably means actually reading my bible more than once or twice a month!  There's a lot things to be grateful for, and perhaps near as many things to be hurting about.  But I'm going to remember what Carrisa told her mom about going through hard times:  "You can choose to be happy."  I want to choose that.  Thanks Carrisa.  :-)