No, not THAT kind of lift. My whole life seems to have undergone a bit of a "face lift" lately, so right now I'd like to focus on how good life is.
It wasn't too long ago that I was living with my dad, working two jobs, and asking myself "Why me???" In the last two years, Dustin and I have endured a lot of financial hardship. But you know what?
WE SURVIVED!
I admit that I didn't always appreciate the way God was providing for us. So much so that I refused to acknowledge that He was providing at all. I really did feel abandoned.. I know it's cliche, but this whole experience brings to mind the "Footprints" poem. For those of you who haven't read it, here ya go:
One night I dreamed a dream.
I was walking along the beach with my Lord. Across the dark sky flashed scenes from my life. For each scene, I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand, one belonging to me and one to my Lord.
I was walking along the beach with my Lord. Across the dark sky flashed scenes from my life. For each scene, I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand, one belonging to me and one to my Lord.
When the last scene of my life shot before me I looked back at the footprints in the sand. There was only one set of footprints. I realized that this was at the lowest and saddest times of my life. This always bothered me and I questioned the Lord about my dilemma.
"Lord, You told me when I decided to follow You, You would walk and talk with me all the way. But I'm aware that during the most troublesome times of my life there is only one set of footprints. I just don't understand why, when I need You most, You leave me."
He whispered, "My precious child, I love you and will never leave you, never, ever, during your trials and testings. When you saw only one set of footprints, It was then that I carried you."
Margaret Fishback Powers, 1964
I think I knew somewhere inside me that things could always be worse and that ultimately God had provided, but my heart was very hardened against it. I still struggle with completely trusting God with my worries, and I know I'll still try to plan for every scenario when I can. But I feel a sense of peace that I didn't have before.
Maybe that peace comes from all that I've been blessed with lately. I'm just a couple days away from my 5 year anniversary with an awesome husband, I'm in my second year of grad school which I LOVE, I just moved into a new apartment that I LOVE and allows me to walk to school and just feel less stressed overall, and I'm closer than ever to my dream career (and hopefully a dream salary!).
Then of course there's the things I've had all along that are too easy to take for granted, like awesome friends, loving family, a great church body, and a God that will always accept me even when I screw up or get angry or throw a tantrum.
This whole experience has made me more aware of just how much worse things could have gotten. Instead of being evicted and becoming homeless, my dad generously took us into his home. I think that's why I feel a whole new level of compassion for the homeless in our community. When I think of that Chico man who holds up the cardboard sign saying "THIS COULD BE YOU," I have to remember that it almost was.
So please, as my friends and family, keep me accountable! I want to be more involved in the Chico community helping the homeless, and I'm going to look into volunteering at the Torres shelter where Dustin's Uncle Jack volunteers a lot of his time. I'm not saying this to be braggy, but to keep myself accountable. Feel free to ask me a couple months down the road about this, and hopefully I'll have plenty to say!
I just read my last blog and I'm glad to say that I'm not angry anymore. I'm done being angry, and while I can't say I'm DONE worrying, I can say I do it a whole lot less. I think feeling like I've hit near rock bottom in the past has made me have a whole new perspective on life. I can be grateful in a way I've never been before. And I feel like I've dealt with enough hardship in my life to where I can handle a lot. I'm sure I'll continue to be challenged in life, but at this point it's less useful to worry and more useful to just laugh and say "here we go again!" and know that the suffering of this life will all be over eventually.
For example, when I saw the check engine light come on several weeks ago on my car, instead of saying to myself, "Of course this would happen! It's always something! This is going to cost money we don't have, how will we pay rent?," I simply thought "No point in worrying about it. We'll just see what happens. If it's expensive, we'll work it out." In other words,
LIFE GOES ON!
Money will always be stressful, cars will eventually break, bills will inevitably pile up. But you know what? I highly doubt I'll be dwelling too much on those things when I'm old. I'll be looking back on all the wonderful experiences I've had and the friends I've had the pleasure of knowing. Losing Carrisa and my mom has taught me how short life really is. I feel a sense of immediacy I've never had before to just live my life.
Whoa, it's hard to believe I can really believe all this stuff, but I do! Even Dustin has been pleasantly surprised by my new outlook. It's definitely been a gradual process, but I think he was shocked at how calm I was about that check engine light!
So for now I'm happy to say I'm done being angry and I'm determined to live life to the fullest, even when bad things happen. At least I've got a great partner in life to help me through it all.
Thanks babe for 5
great/difficult/challenging/fun/crazy/wonderful years!
great/difficult/challenging/fun/crazy/wonderful years!
No matter what happens now, I know I can get through it.
Universe -- BRING IT ON!
