Humbled

So as most of you know by now, I was laid off my job about a month ago.  And if you've known Dustin and I for the last couple years or more, you know this is not a new situation for us. We've been through a lot financially in the last 3 years or so of our marriage.  Dustin was first unemployed in 2009, I was laid off from my secretary job that I LOVED in 2010, and Dustin lost his job later that same year.  At one point we lived with my dad for 9 months while we tried to get our finances back on track.

But one good thing came out of losing my job in 2010 at Butte College - it was exactly the push I needed to start grad school.  I had already been accepted into the MFT program before I knew I was being laid off, but I didn't think I could afford it and I was terrified of ever being financially destitute again.  But God has shown me time and time again that I'm not in control and he's got different plans for me.

Grad school has been amazing! I've met some wonderful people, and really grown as a person and a counselor.  I even got the MFT Stipend earlier this year which gave me a lump sum of money if I commit to work for a county-funded mental health agency in California for 1 year after I graduate. 

Life got even better when I was offered a traineeship with Chico Adult Outpatient Services.  I couldn't believe it - my first REAL job as a counselor!  It was fascinating and challenging and sometimes heartbreaking, and always stressful.  But when I found out the job was over, I was devastated.  I knew it was a temp job to begin with, but it never had an absolute expiration date and I just hoped it would never come.  

But the other night I was overcome with worry.  My insomnia had kicked in and my brain was in overdrive thinking of all the terrible ways this could play out.  What if neither Dustin or I could find work before we run the stipend money dry?  We have enough income to take us through March most likely, but I may just be getting my therapist intern number from the state at that time, so how likely is it really that I'd have a job by then?  Another issue is Dustin's education because he's applied to Chico State and CSU East Bay in electrical engineering, so we'd have to live in one of those areas for him to keep attending school in his major.  This spurred even more questions . . .

What if I'm only offered a job that isn't near Chico State or East Bay?

What if he can't transfer because I had to take a job somewhere else, and it takes him another year or more to get back in school?
What if I don't find a job at all and we have to move back in with my dad again?
How could I stand the humiliation?
What if I fail?

In short, I was terrified.

The next night or so, I told Dustin how disturbed I was that all these thoughts could run through my head.  Here we are, with several months worth of income to live on and me only a couple months away from a master's degree, and in my mind we're already broke and living in my dad's house again.  Where was my faith?

I saw this quote on a friend's facebook status update the other day:

In many cases I've found that it's not just about having more faith, but about having less doubt.

 ~Sidney Mohede

It made me draw a distinction between faith and lack of doubt.  Maybe they're the same thing really, but how can my faith and my doubt feel so high at the same time?  On the one hand, I pray that things will work out and I believe God has a plan, I've seen it at work before; on the other hand, I know having faith doesn't mean things turn out okay.  I don't believe everything happens for a reason, sometimes life just sucks.

That night, after I told Dustin these thoughts and how I was struggling, we prayed together about it.  Dustin said all the things I wasn't articulate enough in that moment to say.  He said that even though right now the future looks hazy, we know God has a plan - he prayed that God would lift the fog a bit, let us know we're going in the right direction.  In short, he prayed for a sign.

Two days later, Dustin was offered a job!!!  A cleaning company needs someone to work nights and weekends, which works perfectly with dustin's school schedule.  It was the first non-temp job he's been offered in 2 years of waiting!

Now originally that's where the story would have ended, but then something else amazing happened!

Okay, let's back up . . . In June, Dustin and I were eating in a restaurant and our car got hit in the parking lot - while it was parked, mind you.  And better yet, the driver was restaurant owner's relative.  Oh, and better yet - he wasn't licensed to drive that car.  We tried to contact their insurance company, but they totally ignored us.  So we went through our insurance company.

Now fast-forward to this last Tuesday, over four months after the accident and we still have a huge dent on the side/rear of our car and NO money. I called our insurance agent.  Turns out we have uninsured motorist coverage (thank God!) and they give us the option of having their auto body shop fix it, or we can "cash out" and just get the money it would take to fix it and choose our own shop, or even just pocket the money (even the state farm guy said we could do it!).  

Turns out the damage adds up to over $2600!  That's about as much as we paid for the car!  Seeing as the damage is all cosmetic, and would cost as much as the car is worth just to make it look nice, we decide to keep the money!

So in two days time, Dustin is offered a job AND a check for $2600 basically falls out of the sky.  God, you have my attention!!!

Obviously I don't think God was rewarding me for my good faith, and I'm not naive enough to think life will be all good times from here on out.  But the most comforting part of all this is being reminded that I'm NOT in control (as much as I'd like to be sometimes!) of my life - but someone who knows a lot better than me is.  

Mandatory New Year's Blog?

Since everyone else is posting facebook status updates and blogs reflecting on last year and expressing hopes for 2012, I figured I should put in my 2 cents as well.  I don't blog often because I usually feel a little self-indulgent just writing about myself, but what the hell -- buckle up people, this is all about ME!!  =)

I have a much brighter outlook right now than this time last year.  Had a happy holiday season with the fam, brought in the new year with friends, and now I'm looking forward to all that's coming up in the next year or so.  I graduate with my M.S. in Marriage and Family Therapy in December, woo hoo!  Right now I'm in the process of applying for a stipend that potentially would provide me with $18,500 (yowzers!) a year from now IF I commit to working 1 full-time year for a county-funded mental health agency in California.  My best case scenario is to start volunteering or working low-level for a place like Butte County Behavioral Health as soon as this summer, just so I can get a foot in the door.  This way I will increase my chances of not having to move to some other part of California to find work.  I'd miss my friends too much.  =(

I've also got potential prospects at Butte College, since my old boss is hoping to get the funding to hire me as a counseling intern next academic year.  But if that conflicts with working for the county for this stipend, I'd have to put off Butte College for now (IF I get the stipend -- trying to not get ahead of myself).  But I'm so excited at all these prospects coming up!

The next couple years will consist of me becoming a registered MFTi (Marriage and Family Therapist Intern), accumulating my 3000 hours (required for licensing), and studying for the MFT comprehensive licensing exam.  It's a long road, but it's so worth it.  It helps when you like what you're doing!  Meanwhile, Dustin got straight A's last semester and is on his way to a B.S. in Engineering.  He'll probably transfer Fall 2013 to Chico State. I'm hoping that 5 years from now, we'll both have awesome careers and maybe be able to do a little traveling.  It would be so romantic for us to be whisked away to New Zealand to have a getaway in the shire . . . and perhaps walk the road to the fires of Mount Doom where we can destroy the ring of power.  I know, right??

I'm hoping that financial stability is coming up in the next 2 years or so, but I've become accustomed to never knowing what the hell is going on.  I'm starting to relinquish some control, which is good.  That's one thing God has taught me over and over again -- Get over yourself, you can't control life!  I hope everyone else has a great 2012 too.  A wise man once said "All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us."  So true, Gandalf.  So true.