This morning I decided to be impulsive which, for those of you who know me, is out of character. I am a planner through and through, and always frugal with my money (I'm talking George Constanza frugal here). I know I'm broke, I know I shouldn't, but the rebel inside me just wanted to be bad today. I admit it -- I bought lady gaga tickets for tomorrow night, charged it to my credit card, and have no intention of paying it off in full for a couple months! I know, I'm a wild woman.
I've always played by the rules. I balance my checkbook, I went to college, I go to church, I donate to good causes, I delay gratification to save money, I only drive old cars for a LONG LONG time before buying new old cars, I set a grocery budget, I resist fast food and coffee more times than desirable, I shower and floss daily . . . shall I go on? (Okay, I don't really floss daily -- working on that one.)
I've said NO to myself in so many ways. Today I just wanted to say YES. Maybe others think I deserve it, that I deserve to cut myself a break. I don't know about that. Yes, I am too hard on myself -- but no, I don't deserve anything. Everything good I have doesn't come from my own goodness, and even in my anger toward God I can acknowledge that.
Sometimes I just get so tired of seeing other people make mistakes in their life and somehow they come out the other side okay. Sometimes I ask myself why I should try to succeed when bad things just seem to happen that I can't control. Why am I running on a treadmill, and everybody else just walks or stands still and they get to the same place, or to a better place? The harder I run, the harder I fall, and the angrier I get. The only thing that makes it harder is seeing other people who DO try hard in life like I do and ARE rewarded for their efforts. What's up with that?
I know, I know. I'm being selfish. I don't know what's best for me, but God does. Sometimes you can't see the forest through the trees. The grass is always greener on the other side. There's always more fish in the sea?
I'm running out of cliche's here.
Point being, I'm tired. I tell myself to just keep swimming, but sometimes not even Nemo can inspire me. I'm just so tired of Dustin and I working our asses off just to survive, constantly being on the brink of annihilation. That stress combined with my own personal brand of crazy has led to my insomnia. So not cool.
I've told God that I'm angry. He knows I don't want to be. It's not so much for myself that I'm angry, but for my husband who is the most wonderful person in my life (don't argue, those of you who knows him!) and I can tell he wants nothing more than to be able to provide for us. God's blessed me with this amazing direction in my life: my school path, career path, and wonderful relationships with family and friends. So why can't he have the same? I'd give up some of my good stuff if it would help, but I know that's not how it works. And quite frankly, I like my good stuff.
So today I splurged and bought myself a concert ticket. Today I'm saying yes to life, in spite of mounting debt with no immediate forseeable way of paying it off. I figure if I'm going to be broke, I might as well have fun. NOT having fun doesn't seem to make me any less broke, so I'm going a different route.
But I don't want to be angry. I want to be grateful. I've really been trying, but sometimes it's easier to fall into despair. It's funny, I've been thinking about that George Constanza quote (yes, another seinfeld reference) about how God will kill him before he'll ever be successful. That's how I feel sometimes!!! But I don't want to.
Trying to be open to hidden meanings in life, want to believe at least SOME of this bad stuff happens for a reason. Still waiting for God to show himself in a big way. I really hope He does.
Meanwhile, I'll just put on my Pa-pa-pa-poker face and just keep swimming.
On a side note, for those of you who told me to dress up for the concert, I refuse to wear a meat dress.
I might eat a meat dress.
Am I still typing?
Are you still reading this? Dang, you need a hobby.
