For once, this post is NOT ABOUT ME! I know, so disappointing. Its about my husband and how proud of him I am. He will probably not like that I'm writing this, but oh well he can live with it. Dustin has definitely taken the scenic route when it comes to figuring out what he wants to be when he grows up. I tease that he's been on the 10 year (perhaps now 15 year?) degree plan. As much as I give him a hard time, I'm actually really proud of him.
When he worked at APC, we both thought that was where his career path was headed. He's dabbled with the ideas of electrical engineering, insurance salesman, pension consultant, among other jobs. But now he's studying Computer Engineering at Chico State and has a great job working on campus doing something, uh, computer-related. Something about code and java and C++ and differential whatever-the-hell.
Point being, he likes what he's doing and YAY for no more working as a janitor! From now on the only toilet Dustin will be scrubbing is the one in our apartment.
I always knew Dustin had potential, he just needed a little kick in the butt by God once and awhile (and perhaps by his wife ;-) to get moving. Everybody's journey is different and some take longer than others, but it's exactly the way it's supposed to be.
And I always hoped that condescending personality of his would come in handy somehow.
Hey, so long as somebody's paying him for it, it's alright by me! And I know Dustin doesn't respond well to encouragement, so instead I will say . . . thanks for not totally screwing up your life.
Okay, I can't resist. I'm proud of you, and you're gonna be a great computer engineer! And I won't understand a single bit of it. Love you anyways.
So I didn't get any job offers from Yuba or Butte colleges. *sigh* The closest I got was a retracted interview offer from Butte College for an instructor position when the filled the job so quickly I didn't even get a chance to prove why I'd be great for the job. I actually haven't felt as devastated as I thought I would feel, probably because as fall semester crept closer I was realizing that it was getting less and less likely that I would be hired. And of course I still have a full time job with benefits to be grateful for and a great work environment.
So all and all I feel like I've been handling the disappointment well. But today I just got so burnt out, so self-doubting, feeling so lazy as a counselor, perhaps because my passion just wasn't there. There are times where I love my job, and it feels good to have people thank you for helping them. But there's even more times where I'm so overwhelmed inside by these kids and these families that I think to myself, I don't know what the hell I'm doing.
I'm tempted to go the route of self-pity and just content myself with doing the minimum, but that's not who I am. I'm determined to get better at my job, learn more, and find a way to get my passion back. This disappointment is a setback, but maybe it's a wake up call too. God's keeping me here for a reason, and maybe there's still more people that this rookie counselor can help yet. Please pray for me to stay positive.
Do you ever have dreams that you're in school again? I've been having this recurring dream that I'm in high school or college and I always have the same classes, but I'm always running late and I never seem to get there on time. It takes on different variations, but ultimately I'm always scrambling around trying to physically find my class and getting lost, or I realize I'm ridiculously unprepared for finals and I'm experiencing anxiety about failing a class. Didn't know what this meant until I made the connection this morning: I'm applying for jobs at schools, I've been working towards this goal for a long time, I'm ridiculously anxious to know what's going to happen next, and I'm afraid of failure.
A little over two months ago, I applied for the jobs of adjunct counselor and adjunct psychology professor at both Yuba and Butte Colleges. Being a college counselor is the job that motivated me to think about grad school as early as 5 years ago, and now I finally have the qualifications and counseling experience to possibly have a shot. I didn't expect to hear anything until July since that's when the new fiscal year begins and hiring for fall semester tends to happen.
Basically, here's the scenarios that could play out:
1) Yuba or Butte College offer me a part-time counseling or teaching position, and I attempt to continue working part-time at my current job at Counseling Solutions so I can accrue the experience hours I need to test for my license in Marriage and Family Therapy (MFT).
2) Yuba or Butte College offer me a full-time job (basically 0% chance of that, everybody basically starts off part-time, but I can dream, can't I?) and I leave Counseling Solutions and my goal of getting my therapy license forever. . . and I make a lot more money doing the job I went to grad school for in the first place.
3) I don't get any new job offers. I continue to work at Counseling Solutions, accrue the remaining hours I need to test for my license, and test to be an MFT. The upside would be I continue to have a stable job with benefits that may allow me and dustin to think about buying a house again.
Right now the number financial goal for me and Dustin is to buy a house. If I change jobs, I'll be making a lot more per hour but that doesn't mean we could buy one. If I don't change jobs, I continue to work a job where I often feel burned out but have the stability to consider buying a MODEST home. One thing I've gotten better at over the years is learning to give things to God. I've been praying a lot about this over the last several months (and years!) and now it feels like my life is coming to some climactic moment and I have no idea what the outcome will be. So yes, I surrender myself to God, but I'm still very impatient.
Praying for wisdom for my career and financial future, not to mention patience. Meanwhile I guess I'll continue to have dreams where I'm constantly trying to go somewhere and accomplish something only to be thwarted and have to start all over again. Weird how dreams can reflect your subjective reality so perfectly.
I find it ironic that during one of the most generally peaceful times in my life I am so aware of how much sorrow there is in the world. My job exposes me to situations in which kids are put in foster care, parents just can't stay sober, people experience death and grief and illness, and just so many variations of these situations. No one is exempt from this suffering. I work with people that range in age from 2 to the 40-somethings, and everybody has their story. It's hard sometimes trying to not carry those burdens around myself.
I just read a story in the Chico ER that a Chico State student was killed by a tree limb unexpectedly falling on her head. I had to read and re-read it to believe it. A tree limb?? I picture this girl just starting her first week of school and maybe she just sat on the bench between classes to kill time. She was probably full of hope and life and so excited to be working towards her goals. Who the hell thinks they might die sitting on a bench under a tree at school? And yet I know God knew this would happen and I guess it was her time to go, but it's just so freaky. Dustin just started at Chico State yesterday, it could have been him just as easily as her. Just another of many reminders of how fragile life is.
I have been exposed to a lot of death at my job lately and it's bringing up reminders of my mom and Carrisa. I've been handling it okay so far. That's one thing I'm pretty good at in my job - separating my personal and professional life. But you can never fully check your emotional baggage at the door. In fact, it's sometimes my baggage that I'd like to think helps me relate to and help my clients. But at other times it makes me feel totally incompetent.
So please pray for my clients' sakes that I can continue my personal and professional growth as a therapist because there is just too much sadness in the world for this counselor to carry around on her shoulders. Need to take care of myself. But most of all, those of you I'm closer too, please keep me accountable to talk about these things. Sometimes I get into auto-pilot but I need good friends to pull me out of it. My heart is just heavy and sometimes I need to unload it. Writing about it is a good start.
This story has never been recorded in written history, so brace yourselves. In light of my graduation ceremony in 2 weeks, I've been remembering my last graduation experience from UC Davis and how it was the most horible day ever. So gather round children, this story is filled with intrigue, suspense, and yes, a crackhead.
It was June 17th, 2007 and I was living in Sacramento at the time. My family had graduation tickets to get into the ceremony and were driving up that same day to meet me at the campus. It all started when I was already dressed in my gown and lined up with the other bagillion graduates and I got a call from my dad saying they were halfway there. Oh, and that they forgot their tickets. They had to turn around from about the Yuba City point and go back to Paradise to get them. Blerg!
Dustin's family was also meeting us there: his mom, grandma, and grandpa. Turns out that grandpa wasn't feeling well by the time he got to the ceremony, so he sat in the car the whole time. He sat in the car through the 2 hour drive there, 2+ hour ceremony, and the 2 hour car ride home. Yikes. I felt so bad that he had to do that.
Well, my family managed to make it to the ceremony without missing me walking. Meanwhile, I was sitting in a crowd of probably 10,000 graduates and if you've ever been to any graduation ceremony, you know it takes a freaking. long. time. to read that many names.
I fell asleep.
The gal next to me revived me when it was our turn to finally walk up to the stage. As I basked in my moment of glory receiving my diploma and shaking hands with a dude I had never met, I awaited the familiar cheers and faces of my family somewhere in the massive crowd.
*Insert crickets chirping here*
Okay, it wasn't quite that bad. There was the average amount of cordial applause for other graduates you don't know, but where was my family?
Turns out they cheered for another girl whose name sounded like Jessica Marie Haaker because they were not used to my married name yet. Hmm.
And here's where it gets good.
After the ceremony, I found my family and there were some moments of happiness in there. Then the plan was to all drive to Sacramento and meet at Chevy's for dinner. Since my in-laws had grandpa to take back home, they wouldn't be joining us, so that was disappointing. Dustin and I drove separately and had to stop for an errand just about 1/2 a mile from the Chevy's once we got into the city.
Enter the crackhead.
We were in a parking lot when this woman with dreadlock hair and very poor hygiene comes up to us frantically asking for a ride. She says her son was injured somehow (bee stings, asthma, can't quite remember) and she isn't able to get to him and he's just down the street. Normally I would be sympathetic to this situation, but not only are there Chevy's Megaritas waiting for me just minutes away, but this lady is really setting off my this-doesn't-feel-right detector. Something is off, and I don't know exactly what it is. She seems like she's on some kind of stimulant, and I don't trust her story completely. I suggested getting the cops to come meet her there to help, but dustin decides to offer her a ride.
It gets worse.
She sits in the front passenger seat, and I'm right behind her in our small, close-quarters dodge neon. The B.O. is acrid and the wind from the open front window is blowing it directly in my face. She directs dustin where to drive, and before we know it we're on the freeway. I thought this was just down the street? So we drive.
And we drive.
And we drive.
Finally, she indicates an exit to take and now we're in a very unfamiliar neighborhood. My intuition is telling me something bad could happen here. What if she doesn't have a son at all? What if she's taking us to some remote location so someone there can rob us? Finally, after what must have been at least 10 miles of driving for what felt like about 20 minutes, we drop her off. Amazingly, we don't get robbed. We don't see a child either, but at least we're safe. Who knows what the real story was that day, we were taking her to a drug dealer for all we knew. Meanwhile, our family has been waiting at the restaurant for us to join them and I am STARVING, not to mention incredibly exhausted and agitated.
We quickly get out of this iffy neighborhood and make our way back to Chevy's. We are an hour late and my poor family has been waiting all this time. I'm so agitated, all I want is my Megarita. For those of you who have never had a Chevy's Megarita, it is their ginormous size margarita which comes in a variety of heavenly flavors. It's one of the main reasons I chose to come here, in addition to the fajita platters which are amazing. We finally get to there and I order a blended Megarita and a fajita platter and try to be cool.
Finally, my Megarita is here! . . . . On the rocks, not blended.
I LOST it. I start balling my eyes out in front of the whole restaurant out of a combination of hunger, exhaustion, and anger. After this glorious graduation day, all I wanted was my blended margarita and even that couldn't go right.
So you see kids, this is why margaritas hold special significance on my graduation day. It's not just that they're a delicious and refreshing beverage, true though that may be. It is that they are symbolic of everything that went wrong on my last graduation day. And this time, well, it's time for redemption.
This is why the theme of my graduation party is margaritas. A promised land of both the blended and on-the-rocks varieties (the latter of which is ironically now my preference) as far as the eye can see! A land flowing with margaritas and pulled pork sandwiches, with no restaurants, no crackheads, and a land where people know my real freaking name.
I can now look back on that day and laugh at the ludicrousness of it all. But this time around, I want my graduation day to be a happy time to remember, even when Murphy's Law kicks in and things start to go wrong. So here's to redemption and good times with family and friends.
Cheers.
I gave up alcohol for Lent this year, something I've wanted to do for awhile but never quite mustered up the courage to do. Now that it's one day shy of being over, I was in a reflective mood this morning and generally feeling grateful for my life. Not sure of the connection there exactly, but maybe it's all the coffee I'm drinking putting me in a happy mood. =)
Lent was easier than I thought it would be. I was pleasantly surprised that I was able to adjust my lifestyle to one of not even thinking about alcohol most days, because I knew it wasn't an option. But the last couple weeks have probably been the hardest, just because I know the end is in sight and it made me impatient. I didn't think about it everyday, but it was hardest when I was around other people drinking socially and I wanted to be in on the fun. But you'd be surprised how a virgin margarita can still make you feel like one of the girls, I still had a lot of fun with my mocktails. =)
But I haven't forgotten the reason for Lent - that we're resisting temptation as a small representation of Jesus' temptation in the dessert for 40 days, and also anticipating his sacrifice on the cross. Seems silly to compare the sacrifice of alcohol to the sacrifices of Jesus, but at least it puts His sacrifice into perspective for me!
This got me thinking - if alcohol is the only real sacrifice in my life right now, then life must be pretty good! I've been so amazed at how God has directed my life in both subtle and not-so-subtle ways, but I feel like I've never been happier. So I'm compiling a list in which God has directed me, despite my insistence on my life going a different way. In other words, things I did kicking and screaming that ended up shaping me in to the person I am, and giving me the life I love now.
The structure is as follows:
How I envisioned live my life ---> How God directed my life
I just want to get married by the time I'm 30, no rush! -->
Engaged at 19, married at 21.
I'm leaving this podunk town and NEVER coming back! --> Moved to Paradise again in 2009, now realize I love Chico and want to stay in this area indefinitely.
I will NEVER ask my dad to support me, I'm an independent adult. --> Moved back in with my Dad for 9 months, relied on his generosity to prevent homelessness.
I will NEVER go to graduate school, that is too much work! -->
Went to grad school and LOVED it.
I don't EVER want to be a therapist, I'm just doing this MFT thing to get a job at Butte College that pays $42/hr! --->
Fell in love with therapy, now make only a fraction of that salary, and LOVE what I do.
I would never choose to work with kids or teenagers in therapy
--> Now work primarily with kids, pleasantly surprised I'm starting to like it!
I'm going to work at Catalyst! --> Um, no I'm not.
Counseling Solutions is scary and no way I can do this job -->
Hey, look at me, I'm doing this job!
I will probably always be a minority as a Christian in my field -->
Now both of my bosses are Christian MFTs.
I'm sure there's more that I'm not thinking of, but it's so ironic to think of how much energy I spend planning out my life, only to find that not only does God have a different plan, but I eventually come to LOVE the plan! Even the hard stuff like feeling humiliated about me and Dustin having to move in with my dad ended up shaping the both of us into the people we are today. In fact, that was just push Dustin needed to get back into school. Dustin's life went something like this:
I will work at APC (Associated Pension Consultants) and enjoy what I do and make good money -->
Quit after coming to hate his job, felt lost and without direction.
I don't enjoy college, I won't ever get a 4 year degree -->
Now he's transferring to Chico State in the fall as an engineering major.
The funny thing is, despite all we've been through financially and otherwise in the last near-7 years of marriage, our relationship has only gotten stronger. I don't think we've ever been better than we are right now. Hardship can either drive people apart or pull them closer together, and we chose the latter.
So to summarize: great marriage, great job, happy with life, looking forward to the future.
I'm sure I'll continue to make plans, but now I'm starting to understand that it's okay if they don't all come to fruition. Sometimes God has better plans in store.
My only set plan for now is an Easter of mimosas, and that's perfectly fine with me.
So most of you probably know I recently got a job with Catalyst Domestic Violence Services. I've been starting training this last week and have been SO impressed with the organization as a whole. I thought I knew what God's plan was here, but I was in for a surprise this week.
I had explained to my supervisor at Catalyst that I needed to look for a county job for the stipend program, and that this job unfortunately didn't fulfill that requirement. Also, the job is only 26 hours/week so financially I would have to find a second job. She was okay with that and hired me, which was so great! At least I had a source of income now that my unemployment had run out, so I was really excited just to be offered this position.
I had already put out several applications in December/January so in the last couple weeks I was getting phone calls to set up interviews. I actually had 3 interviews scheduled in a 1 week period! It was crazy. Well the first of those 3 interviews was on Thursday for an agency called Counseling Solutions that I had never heard of. I had found the ad on craigslist and assumed it was private practice. I needed a job, any job at the time so I applied and didn't put much stock in it.
The interview was at 10am and I had gotten very little sleep the night before, so I was exhausted. I didn't even want to go, this job was my least priority of the three, and I couldn't wait for it to be over so I could come home and rest a little while before starting a full day of work at my new job.
It was one of the most intimidating interviews I had ever experienced! I was given a vignette and told I would be asked questions about how I would treat the family described. Dad's beating mom and the 3 kids, parents have a possible drug history, now they all need therapy. The two people that interviewed me asked really specific questions that they had specific answers they wanted to hear.
What are the clinical issues in the case?
How would you gather information to treat this family?
What possible diagnoses would you make?
How would you go about treatment?
I thought I knew what I was doing, but occasionally they would say things like "We're looking for one more thing, I think you know this." Of course I'm thinking, "I don't have a clue!" Towards the end of the interview, I asked if there would be second interviews and what the timeline for hiring would be. The lady replied "I don't know if I'll be giving you a second interview."
Great. Nice confidence boost. All I want is to go home and sleep. She gives me a tour of the place, and all the while I'm thinking "This is pointless. They're not going to hire me, this place is intimidating, I don't want to work here." I go to the lobby to fill out an application with my references and finally I'm almost out the door. Then the lady comes back out and says "Can I ask you a frank question, are you interested in the position?" No. This place is way out of my league. No way I'm qualified.
"Yeah," I replied.
A minute later, she comes out again and asks if I can come back to their office again. What, am I in trouble? Does she suspect I'm not being truthful about wanting the job? I'm so confused. They tell me this is "unorthodox" and why don't I have a seat. I have no idea what this is about.
"We'd like to offer you the position."
WHAT???? All I wanted was a nap, and they're offering me a JOB??? I was scared out of my mind at this prospect. This agency counsels families in which kids have been taken away by CPS. I have limited experience with children, have never counseled families, and this is WAY too much responsibility for a newbie like me. What the heck do they see in me?
They go on to say that they were going to interview 13 other people, but the lady knew from the second question I answered that I was a good fit. What the heck was the second question? Of course, I express that I'm very grateful for the offer and ask for a day to process it. They gladly comply and talk about a benefits package, how many paid days off I get per year, health insurance, scheduling. This is all moving way too fast. Oh yeah, and here's the real kicker. Turns out the agency is completely county-funded and is a perfect match to fulfill my stipend obligation.
On my drive home, my mind is buzzing and all I can think is "I don't want to be a therapist." I tell Dustin when I get home "I don't know what I want to be when I grow up." Kind of pathetic from a 27 year old.
So I spent my shift at Catalyst comparing jobs, considering the options. It's a grueling process and even the next day I'm not sure what I'm going to do. All I can think is what if I screw up these kids more, what if I reunify a family that's not ready. What if I'm not a good therapist, what if I get fired, what if what if what if . . . .
I took the job.
I still have an inferiority complex, still feel like I'm not worthy of this opportunity, but I decided it's better to give it a shot than to stay in my comfort zone. I know I can do this, but it's hard to BELIEVE I can do this. But if they saw something in me, maybe I need to see it too.
So please pray for me as I go into this new venture! I want to help these families heal and be a good employee, but I know I can't do it alone. Another reminder that life is what happens while you're busy making other plans!
