Getting a Lift

No, not THAT kind of lift.  My whole life seems to have undergone a bit of a "face lift" lately, so right now I'd like to focus on how good life is.

It wasn't too long ago that I was living with my dad, working two jobs, and asking myself "Why me???"  In the last two years, Dustin and I have endured a lot of financial hardship.  But you know what?  

WE SURVIVED!

I admit that I didn't always appreciate the way God was providing for us.  So much so that I refused to acknowledge that He was providing at all.  I really did feel abandoned..  I know it's cliche, but this whole experience brings to mind the  "Footprints" poem.  For those of you who haven't read it, here ya go:

One night I dreamed a dream.
I was walking along the beach with my Lord. Across the dark sky flashed scenes from my life. For each scene, I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand, one belonging to me and one to my Lord.

When the last scene of my life shot before me I looked back at the footprints in the sand. There was only one set of footprints. I realized that this was at the lowest and saddest times of my life. This always bothered me and I questioned the Lord about my dilemma.

"Lord, You told me when I decided to follow You, You would walk and talk with me all the way. But I'm aware that during the most troublesome times of my life there is only one set of footprints. I just don't understand why, when I need You most, You leave me."

He whispered, "My precious child, I love you and will never leave you, never, ever, during your trials and testings. When you saw only one set of footprints, It was then that I carried you."

---

Margaret Fishback Powers, 1964

I think I knew somewhere inside me that things could always be worse and that ultimately God had provided, but my heart was very hardened against it.  I still struggle with completely trusting God with my worries, and I know I'll still try to plan for every scenario when I can.  But I feel a sense of peace that I didn't have before.

Maybe that peace comes from all that I've been blessed with lately.  I'm just a couple days away from my 5 year anniversary with an awesome husband, I'm in my second year of grad school which I LOVE, I just moved into a new apartment that I LOVE and allows me to walk to school and just feel less stressed overall, and I'm closer than ever to my dream career (and hopefully a dream salary!).

Then of course there's the things I've had all along that are too easy to take for granted, like awesome friends, loving family, a great church body, and a God that will always accept me even when I screw up or get angry or throw a tantrum.

This whole experience has made me more aware of just how much worse things could have gotten.  Instead of being evicted and becoming homeless, my dad generously took us into his home.  I think that's why I feel a whole new level of compassion for the homeless in our community.  When I think of that Chico man who holds up the cardboard sign saying "THIS COULD BE YOU," I have to remember that it almost was.

So please, as my friends and family, keep me accountable!  I want to be more involved in the Chico community helping the homeless, and I'm going to look into volunteering at the Torres shelter where Dustin's Uncle Jack volunteers a lot of his time.  I'm not saying this to be braggy, but to keep myself accountable.  Feel free to ask me a couple months down the road about this, and hopefully I'll have plenty to say!

I just read my last blog and I'm glad to say that I'm not angry anymore.  I'm done being angry, and while I can't say I'm DONE worrying, I can say I do it a whole lot less.  I think feeling like I've hit near rock bottom in the past has made me have a whole new perspective on life.  I can be grateful in a way I've never been before.  And I feel like I've dealt with enough hardship in my life to where I can handle a lot.  I'm sure I'll continue to be challenged in life, but at this point it's less useful to worry and more useful to just laugh and say "here we go again!" and know that the suffering of this life will all be over eventually.

For example, when I saw the check engine light come on several weeks ago on my car, instead of saying to myself, "Of course this would happen!  It's always something!  This is going to cost money we don't have, how will we pay rent?," I simply thought "No point in worrying about it.  We'll just see what happens.  If it's expensive, we'll work it out."  In other words,

LIFE GOES ON!

Money will always be stressful, cars will eventually break, bills will inevitably pile up.  But you know what?  I highly doubt I'll be dwelling too much on those things when I'm old.  I'll be looking back on all the wonderful experiences I've had and the friends I've had the pleasure of knowing.  Losing Carrisa and my mom has taught me how short life really is.  I feel a sense of immediacy I've never had before to just live my life.

Whoa, it's hard to believe I can really believe all this stuff, but I do!  Even Dustin has been pleasantly surprised by my new outlook.  It's definitely been a gradual process, but I think he was shocked at how calm I was about that check engine light!

So for now I'm happy to say I'm done being angry and I'm determined to live life to the fullest, even when bad things happen.  At least I've got a great partner in life to help me through it all.  

Thanks babe for 5
great/difficult/challenging/fun/crazy/wonderful years!  

No matter what happens now, I know I can get through it.  

Universe -- BRING IT ON!

Breaking the Rules

This morning I decided to be impulsive which, for those of you who know me, is out of character.  I am a planner through and through, and always frugal with my money (I'm talking George Constanza frugal here).  I know I'm broke, I know I shouldn't, but the rebel inside me just wanted to be bad today. I admit it -- I bought lady gaga tickets for tomorrow night, charged it to my credit card, and have no intention of paying it off in full for a couple months!  I know, I'm a wild woman.

I've always played by the rules.  I balance my checkbook, I went to college, I go to church, I donate to good causes, I delay gratification to save money, I only drive old cars for a LONG LONG time before buying new old cars, I set a grocery budget, I resist fast food and coffee more times than desirable, I shower and floss daily . . . shall I go on?  (Okay, I don't really floss daily -- working on that one.)

I've said NO to myself in so many ways.  Today I just wanted to say YES.  Maybe others think I deserve it, that I deserve to cut myself a break.  I don't know about that.  Yes, I am too hard on myself -- but no, I don't deserve anything.  Everything good I have doesn't come from my own goodness, and even in my anger toward God I can acknowledge that.

Sometimes I just get so tired of seeing other people make mistakes in their life and somehow they come out the other side okay.  Sometimes I ask myself why I should try to succeed when bad things just seem to happen that I can't control.  Why am I running on a treadmill, and everybody else just walks or stands still and they get to the same place, or to a better place?  The harder I run, the harder I fall, and the angrier I get.  The only thing that makes it harder is seeing other people who DO try hard in life like I do and ARE rewarded for their efforts.  What's up with that?

I know, I know.  I'm being selfish.  I don't know what's best for me, but God does.  Sometimes you can't see the forest through the trees.  The grass is always greener on the other side.  There's always more fish in the sea?

I'm running out of cliche's here.

Point being, I'm tired.  I tell myself to just keep swimming, but sometimes not even Nemo can inspire me.  I'm just so tired of Dustin and I working our asses off just to survive, constantly being on the brink of annihilation.  That stress combined with my own personal brand of crazy has led to my insomnia.  So not cool.

I've told God that I'm angry.  He knows I don't want to be.  It's not so much for myself that I'm angry, but for my husband who is the most wonderful person in my life (don't argue, those of you who knows him!) and I can tell he wants nothing more than to be able to provide for us.  God's blessed me with this amazing direction in my life:  my school path, career path, and wonderful relationships with family and friends.  So why can't he have the same?  I'd give up some of my good stuff if it would help, but I know that's not how it works.  And quite frankly, I like my good stuff.

So today I splurged and bought myself a concert ticket.  Today I'm saying yes to life, in spite of mounting debt with no immediate forseeable way of paying it off.  I figure if I'm going to be broke, I might as well have fun.  NOT having fun doesn't seem to make me any less broke, so I'm going a different route.

But I don't want to be angry.  I want to be grateful.  I've really been trying, but sometimes it's easier to fall into despair.  It's funny, I've been thinking about that George Constanza quote (yes, another seinfeld reference) about how God will kill him before he'll ever be successful.  That's how I feel sometimes!!!  But I don't want to.

Trying to be open to hidden meanings in life, want to believe at least SOME of this bad stuff happens for a reason.  Still waiting for God to show himself in a big way.  I really hope He does.

Meanwhile, I'll just put on my Pa-pa-pa-poker face and just keep swimming.  

On a side note, for those of you who told me to dress up for the concert, I refuse to wear a meat dress.

I might eat a meat dress.

Am I still typing?  

Are you still reading this?  Dang, you need a hobby. 

2011

It's a new year, and it feels like real life will have to resume soon.  Every since December 11th, I haven't felt a part of the "real world" at all.  I was out of school, it was the holidays, and I lost one of my best friends.  But I'm ready for the new year. 

On the one hand, it's a weird feeling moving on to a new year because it feels like I'm leaving Carrisa behind in 2010.  I want her to share in the joy of the new year with us, but I know she can't.  On the other hand, it kind of feels like a fresh start and I know I have to keep moving whether I'm ready or not.

There's actually a lot to look forward to in 2011.  My 2nd semester in the MFT program at Chico State will pick up in a few weeks, and I love my program and my cohorts.  Lots of new friendships to look forward to.  I also recently got a grant from Chico State which allowed me to quit my 2nd job.  No more driving myself crazy being in Chico from 8 to 5 and then coming home to do hours of homework.  Dustin is also going back to school to major in physics, so I'm excited to see him grow and learn more about the things he's interested in.  I'm also looking forward to (hopefully) being able to move back to Chico possibly this summer, if we can afford it.  My brother is no longer in Iraq (thank you God!) and I will get to see him and my sister-in-law Brooke in May when he celebrates his 21st birthday (CRAZY!).  Laura is getting married in September, and I get to be her matron of honor!  Woo hoo!  Crystal is also starting school in a few weeks, and I'm looking forward to seeing what she accomplishes in the next few years.  She's SO smart.  

Then there's my friendships, which I know now more than ever I should never take for granted.  I didn't really make any specific resolutions this year, but I think if anything, I just want to show the people I love how much they mean to me on a regular basis.  That might mean not studying until I'm blue in the face so I can have a girls night with Lynae, Lynds, and Carla, but that's okay.  Grades mean nothing in the end, and love is everything.  (Thank you Dumbledore, for that valuable lesson! ;-).  It also might mean overlooking dustin's dirty clothes on the floor and telling him I love him instead, and that's okay too.

I thought about the last times I got to hang out with Carrisa in 2010.  Exactly 4 months to the day before her passing, Carrisa had taken me out to lunch at Upper Crust Bakery for my birthday.  She treated me and even bought me a birthday bottle of Merlot.  A couple months later, I went to her apartment to talk to her about taking over the church Facebook page, but it was more an excuse to hang out.  She made tacos and we watched a movie.  I watched Glee for the first time because Carrisa wanted to show me the lady gaga songs they did, she knew how much I like her (yeah, yeah, judge me all you want!).  Norah kept saying "ba ba" and I think also "na na" because she really likes her bottle and bananas!  Carrisa also played that one Maroon 5 song that Norah loves and we laughed because Norah danced to it every time!  She so has her mother's taste in music.

I think this year I'll be more aware of how precious all these kinds of interactions can be, even when they seem so casual at the time.  I want to love people more unconditionally and not be so judgmental.  I also want to be more active in my faith and stop just being "comfortable" with what I believe.  I want to be able to give a reason for the hope that I have, and that probably means actually reading my bible more than once or twice a month!  There's a lot things to be grateful for, and perhaps near as many things to be hurting about.  But I'm going to remember what Carrisa told her mom about going through hard times:  "You can choose to be happy."  I want to choose that.  Thanks Carrisa.  :-)