Do you ever have dreams that you're in school again? I've been having this recurring dream that I'm in high school or college and I always have the same classes, but I'm always running late and I never seem to get there on time. It takes on different variations, but ultimately I'm always scrambling around trying to physically find my class and getting lost, or I realize I'm ridiculously unprepared for finals and I'm experiencing anxiety about failing a class. Didn't know what this meant until I made the connection this morning: I'm applying for jobs at schools, I've been working towards this goal for a long time, I'm ridiculously anxious to know what's going to happen next, and I'm afraid of failure.
A little over two months ago, I applied for the jobs of adjunct counselor and adjunct psychology professor at both Yuba and Butte Colleges. Being a college counselor is the job that motivated me to think about grad school as early as 5 years ago, and now I finally have the qualifications and counseling experience to possibly have a shot. I didn't expect to hear anything until July since that's when the new fiscal year begins and hiring for fall semester tends to happen.
Basically, here's the scenarios that could play out:
1) Yuba or Butte College offer me a part-time counseling or teaching position, and I attempt to continue working part-time at my current job at Counseling Solutions so I can accrue the experience hours I need to test for my license in Marriage and Family Therapy (MFT).
2) Yuba or Butte College offer me a full-time job (basically 0% chance of that, everybody basically starts off part-time, but I can dream, can't I?) and I leave Counseling Solutions and my goal of getting my therapy license forever. . . and I make a lot more money doing the job I went to grad school for in the first place.
3) I don't get any new job offers. I continue to work at Counseling Solutions, accrue the remaining hours I need to test for my license, and test to be an MFT. The upside would be I continue to have a stable job with benefits that may allow me and dustin to think about buying a house again.
Right now the number financial goal for me and Dustin is to buy a house. If I change jobs, I'll be making a lot more per hour but that doesn't mean we could buy one. If I don't change jobs, I continue to work a job where I often feel burned out but have the stability to consider buying a MODEST home. One thing I've gotten better at over the years is learning to give things to God. I've been praying a lot about this over the last several months (and years!) and now it feels like my life is coming to some climactic moment and I have no idea what the outcome will be. So yes, I surrender myself to God, but I'm still very impatient.
Praying for wisdom for my career and financial future, not to mention patience. Meanwhile I guess I'll continue to have dreams where I'm constantly trying to go somewhere and accomplish something only to be thwarted and have to start all over again. Weird how dreams can reflect your subjective reality so perfectly.
