I find it ironic that during one of the most generally peaceful times in my life I am so aware of how much sorrow there is in the world. My job exposes me to situations in which kids are put in foster care, parents just can't stay sober, people experience death and grief and illness, and just so many variations of these situations. No one is exempt from this suffering. I work with people that range in age from 2 to the 40-somethings, and everybody has their story. It's hard sometimes trying to not carry those burdens around myself.
I just read a story in the Chico ER that a Chico State student was killed by a tree limb unexpectedly falling on her head. I had to read and re-read it to believe it. A tree limb?? I picture this girl just starting her first week of school and maybe she just sat on the bench between classes to kill time. She was probably full of hope and life and so excited to be working towards her goals. Who the hell thinks they might die sitting on a bench under a tree at school? And yet I know God knew this would happen and I guess it was her time to go, but it's just so freaky. Dustin just started at Chico State yesterday, it could have been him just as easily as her. Just another of many reminders of how fragile life is.
I have been exposed to a lot of death at my job lately and it's bringing up reminders of my mom and Carrisa. I've been handling it okay so far. That's one thing I'm pretty good at in my job - separating my personal and professional life. But you can never fully check your emotional baggage at the door. In fact, it's sometimes my baggage that I'd like to think helps me relate to and help my clients. But at other times it makes me feel totally incompetent.
So please pray for my clients' sakes that I can continue my personal and professional growth as a therapist because there is just too much sadness in the world for this counselor to carry around on her shoulders. Need to take care of myself. But most of all, those of you I'm closer too, please keep me accountable to talk about these things. Sometimes I get into auto-pilot but I need good friends to pull me out of it. My heart is just heavy and sometimes I need to unload it. Writing about it is a good start.
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
Saturday, May 11, 2013
Once upon a time, there was a crackhead . . .
This story has never been recorded in written history, so brace yourselves. In light of my graduation ceremony in 2 weeks, I've been remembering my last graduation experience from UC Davis and how it was the most horible day ever. So gather round children, this story is filled with intrigue, suspense, and yes, a crackhead.
It was June 17th, 2007 and I was living in Sacramento at the time. My family had graduation tickets to get into the ceremony and were driving up that same day to meet me at the campus. It all started when I was already dressed in my gown and lined up with the other bagillion graduates and I got a call from my dad saying they were halfway there. Oh, and that they forgot their tickets. They had to turn around from about the Yuba City point and go back to Paradise to get them. Blerg!
Dustin's family was also meeting us there: his mom, grandma, and grandpa. Turns out that grandpa wasn't feeling well by the time he got to the ceremony, so he sat in the car the whole time. He sat in the car through the 2 hour drive there, 2+ hour ceremony, and the 2 hour car ride home. Yikes. I felt so bad that he had to do that.
Well, my family managed to make it to the ceremony without missing me walking. Meanwhile, I was sitting in a crowd of probably 10,000 graduates and if you've ever been to any graduation ceremony, you know it takes a freaking. long. time. to read that many names.
I fell asleep.
The gal next to me revived me when it was our turn to finally walk up to the stage. As I basked in my moment of glory receiving my diploma and shaking hands with a dude I had never met, I awaited the familiar cheers and faces of my family somewhere in the massive crowd.
*Insert crickets chirping here*
Okay, it wasn't quite that bad. There was the average amount of cordial applause for other graduates you don't know, but where was my family?
Turns out they cheered for another girl whose name sounded like Jessica Marie Haaker because they were not used to my married name yet. Hmm.
And here's where it gets good.
After the ceremony, I found my family and there were some moments of happiness in there. Then the plan was to all drive to Sacramento and meet at Chevy's for dinner. Since my in-laws had grandpa to take back home, they wouldn't be joining us, so that was disappointing. Dustin and I drove separately and had to stop for an errand just about 1/2 a mile from the Chevy's once we got into the city.
Enter the crackhead.
We were in a parking lot when this woman with dreadlock hair and very poor hygiene comes up to us frantically asking for a ride. She says her son was injured somehow (bee stings, asthma, can't quite remember) and she isn't able to get to him and he's just down the street. Normally I would be sympathetic to this situation, but not only are there Chevy's Megaritas waiting for me just minutes away, but this lady is really setting off my this-doesn't-feel-right detector. Something is off, and I don't know exactly what it is. She seems like she's on some kind of stimulant, and I don't trust her story completely. I suggested getting the cops to come meet her there to help, but dustin decides to offer her a ride.
It gets worse.
She sits in the front passenger seat, and I'm right behind her in our small, close-quarters dodge neon. The B.O. is acrid and the wind from the open front window is blowing it directly in my face. She directs dustin where to drive, and before we know it we're on the freeway. I thought this was just down the street? So we drive.
And we drive.
And we drive.
Finally, she indicates an exit to take and now we're in a very unfamiliar neighborhood. My intuition is telling me something bad could happen here. What if she doesn't have a son at all? What if she's taking us to some remote location so someone there can rob us? Finally, after what must have been at least 10 miles of driving for what felt like about 20 minutes, we drop her off. Amazingly, we don't get robbed. We don't see a child either, but at least we're safe. Who knows what the real story was that day, we were taking her to a drug dealer for all we knew. Meanwhile, our family has been waiting at the restaurant for us to join them and I am STARVING, not to mention incredibly exhausted and agitated.
We quickly get out of this iffy neighborhood and make our way back to Chevy's. We are an hour late and my poor family has been waiting all this time. I'm so agitated, all I want is my Megarita. For those of you who have never had a Chevy's Megarita, it is their ginormous size margarita which comes in a variety of heavenly flavors. It's one of the main reasons I chose to come here, in addition to the fajita platters which are amazing. We finally get to there and I order a blended Megarita and a fajita platter and try to be cool.
Finally, my Megarita is here! . . . . On the rocks, not blended.
I LOST it. I start balling my eyes out in front of the whole restaurant out of a combination of hunger, exhaustion, and anger. After this glorious graduation day, all I wanted was my blended margarita and even that couldn't go right.
So you see kids, this is why margaritas hold special significance on my graduation day. It's not just that they're a delicious and refreshing beverage, true though that may be. It is that they are symbolic of everything that went wrong on my last graduation day. And this time, well, it's time for redemption.
This is why the theme of my graduation party is margaritas. A promised land of both the blended and on-the-rocks varieties (the latter of which is ironically now my preference) as far as the eye can see! A land flowing with margaritas and pulled pork sandwiches, with no restaurants, no crackheads, and a land where people know my real freaking name.
I can now look back on that day and laugh at the ludicrousness of it all. But this time around, I want my graduation day to be a happy time to remember, even when Murphy's Law kicks in and things start to go wrong. So here's to redemption and good times with family and friends.
It was June 17th, 2007 and I was living in Sacramento at the time. My family had graduation tickets to get into the ceremony and were driving up that same day to meet me at the campus. It all started when I was already dressed in my gown and lined up with the other bagillion graduates and I got a call from my dad saying they were halfway there. Oh, and that they forgot their tickets. They had to turn around from about the Yuba City point and go back to Paradise to get them. Blerg!
Dustin's family was also meeting us there: his mom, grandma, and grandpa. Turns out that grandpa wasn't feeling well by the time he got to the ceremony, so he sat in the car the whole time. He sat in the car through the 2 hour drive there, 2+ hour ceremony, and the 2 hour car ride home. Yikes. I felt so bad that he had to do that.
Well, my family managed to make it to the ceremony without missing me walking. Meanwhile, I was sitting in a crowd of probably 10,000 graduates and if you've ever been to any graduation ceremony, you know it takes a freaking. long. time. to read that many names.
I fell asleep.
The gal next to me revived me when it was our turn to finally walk up to the stage. As I basked in my moment of glory receiving my diploma and shaking hands with a dude I had never met, I awaited the familiar cheers and faces of my family somewhere in the massive crowd.
*Insert crickets chirping here*
Okay, it wasn't quite that bad. There was the average amount of cordial applause for other graduates you don't know, but where was my family?
Turns out they cheered for another girl whose name sounded like Jessica Marie Haaker because they were not used to my married name yet. Hmm.
And here's where it gets good.
After the ceremony, I found my family and there were some moments of happiness in there. Then the plan was to all drive to Sacramento and meet at Chevy's for dinner. Since my in-laws had grandpa to take back home, they wouldn't be joining us, so that was disappointing. Dustin and I drove separately and had to stop for an errand just about 1/2 a mile from the Chevy's once we got into the city.
Enter the crackhead.
We were in a parking lot when this woman with dreadlock hair and very poor hygiene comes up to us frantically asking for a ride. She says her son was injured somehow (bee stings, asthma, can't quite remember) and she isn't able to get to him and he's just down the street. Normally I would be sympathetic to this situation, but not only are there Chevy's Megaritas waiting for me just minutes away, but this lady is really setting off my this-doesn't-feel-right detector. Something is off, and I don't know exactly what it is. She seems like she's on some kind of stimulant, and I don't trust her story completely. I suggested getting the cops to come meet her there to help, but dustin decides to offer her a ride.
It gets worse.
She sits in the front passenger seat, and I'm right behind her in our small, close-quarters dodge neon. The B.O. is acrid and the wind from the open front window is blowing it directly in my face. She directs dustin where to drive, and before we know it we're on the freeway. I thought this was just down the street? So we drive.
And we drive.
And we drive.
Finally, she indicates an exit to take and now we're in a very unfamiliar neighborhood. My intuition is telling me something bad could happen here. What if she doesn't have a son at all? What if she's taking us to some remote location so someone there can rob us? Finally, after what must have been at least 10 miles of driving for what felt like about 20 minutes, we drop her off. Amazingly, we don't get robbed. We don't see a child either, but at least we're safe. Who knows what the real story was that day, we were taking her to a drug dealer for all we knew. Meanwhile, our family has been waiting at the restaurant for us to join them and I am STARVING, not to mention incredibly exhausted and agitated.
We quickly get out of this iffy neighborhood and make our way back to Chevy's. We are an hour late and my poor family has been waiting all this time. I'm so agitated, all I want is my Megarita. For those of you who have never had a Chevy's Megarita, it is their ginormous size margarita which comes in a variety of heavenly flavors. It's one of the main reasons I chose to come here, in addition to the fajita platters which are amazing. We finally get to there and I order a blended Megarita and a fajita platter and try to be cool.
Finally, my Megarita is here! . . . . On the rocks, not blended.
I LOST it. I start balling my eyes out in front of the whole restaurant out of a combination of hunger, exhaustion, and anger. After this glorious graduation day, all I wanted was my blended margarita and even that couldn't go right.
So you see kids, this is why margaritas hold special significance on my graduation day. It's not just that they're a delicious and refreshing beverage, true though that may be. It is that they are symbolic of everything that went wrong on my last graduation day. And this time, well, it's time for redemption.
This is why the theme of my graduation party is margaritas. A promised land of both the blended and on-the-rocks varieties (the latter of which is ironically now my preference) as far as the eye can see! A land flowing with margaritas and pulled pork sandwiches, with no restaurants, no crackheads, and a land where people know my real freaking name.
I can now look back on that day and laugh at the ludicrousness of it all. But this time around, I want my graduation day to be a happy time to remember, even when Murphy's Law kicks in and things start to go wrong. So here's to redemption and good times with family and friends.
Cheers.
Saturday, March 30, 2013
Lent Is Almost Over!
I gave up alcohol for Lent this year, something I've wanted to do for awhile but never quite mustered up the courage to do. Now that it's one day shy of being over, I was in a reflective mood this morning and generally feeling grateful for my life. Not sure of the connection there exactly, but maybe it's all the coffee I'm drinking putting me in a happy mood. =)
Lent was easier than I thought it would be. I was pleasantly surprised that I was able to adjust my lifestyle to one of not even thinking about alcohol most days, because I knew it wasn't an option. But the last couple weeks have probably been the hardest, just because I know the end is in sight and it made me impatient. I didn't think about it everyday, but it was hardest when I was around other people drinking socially and I wanted to be in on the fun. But you'd be surprised how a virgin margarita can still make you feel like one of the girls, I still had a lot of fun with my mocktails. =)
But I haven't forgotten the reason for Lent - that we're resisting temptation as a small representation of Jesus' temptation in the dessert for 40 days, and also anticipating his sacrifice on the cross. Seems silly to compare the sacrifice of alcohol to the sacrifices of Jesus, but at least it puts His sacrifice into perspective for me!
This got me thinking - if alcohol is the only real sacrifice in my life right now, then life must be pretty good! I've been so amazed at how God has directed my life in both subtle and not-so-subtle ways, but I feel like I've never been happier. So I'm compiling a list in which God has directed me, despite my insistence on my life going a different way. In other words, things I did kicking and screaming that ended up shaping me in to the person I am, and giving me the life I love now.
The structure is as follows:
How I envisioned live my life ---> How God directed my life
I just want to get married by the time I'm 30, no rush! -->
Engaged at 19, married at 21.
I'm leaving this podunk town and NEVER coming back! --> Moved to Paradise again in 2009, now realize I love Chico and want to stay in this area indefinitely.
I will NEVER ask my dad to support me, I'm an independent adult. --> Moved back in with my Dad for 9 months, relied on his generosity to prevent homelessness.
I will NEVER go to graduate school, that is too much work! -->
Went to grad school and LOVED it.
I don't EVER want to be a therapist, I'm just doing this MFT thing to get a job at Butte College that pays $42/hr! --->
Fell in love with therapy, now make only a fraction of that salary, and LOVE what I do.
I would never choose to work with kids or teenagers in therapy
--> Now work primarily with kids, pleasantly surprised I'm starting to like it!
I'm going to work at Catalyst! --> Um, no I'm not.
Counseling Solutions is scary and no way I can do this job -->
Hey, look at me, I'm doing this job!
I will probably always be a minority as a Christian in my field -->
Now both of my bosses are Christian MFTs.
I'm sure there's more that I'm not thinking of, but it's so ironic to think of how much energy I spend planning out my life, only to find that not only does God have a different plan, but I eventually come to LOVE the plan! Even the hard stuff like feeling humiliated about me and Dustin having to move in with my dad ended up shaping the both of us into the people we are today. In fact, that was just push Dustin needed to get back into school. Dustin's life went something like this:
I will work at APC (Associated Pension Consultants) and enjoy what I do and make good money -->
Quit after coming to hate his job, felt lost and without direction.
I don't enjoy college, I won't ever get a 4 year degree -->
Now he's transferring to Chico State in the fall as an engineering major.
The funny thing is, despite all we've been through financially and otherwise in the last near-7 years of marriage, our relationship has only gotten stronger. I don't think we've ever been better than we are right now. Hardship can either drive people apart or pull them closer together, and we chose the latter.
So to summarize: great marriage, great job, happy with life, looking forward to the future.
I'm sure I'll continue to make plans, but now I'm starting to understand that it's okay if they don't all come to fruition. Sometimes God has better plans in store.
My only set plan for now is an Easter of mimosas, and that's perfectly fine with me.
Lent was easier than I thought it would be. I was pleasantly surprised that I was able to adjust my lifestyle to one of not even thinking about alcohol most days, because I knew it wasn't an option. But the last couple weeks have probably been the hardest, just because I know the end is in sight and it made me impatient. I didn't think about it everyday, but it was hardest when I was around other people drinking socially and I wanted to be in on the fun. But you'd be surprised how a virgin margarita can still make you feel like one of the girls, I still had a lot of fun with my mocktails. =)
But I haven't forgotten the reason for Lent - that we're resisting temptation as a small representation of Jesus' temptation in the dessert for 40 days, and also anticipating his sacrifice on the cross. Seems silly to compare the sacrifice of alcohol to the sacrifices of Jesus, but at least it puts His sacrifice into perspective for me!
This got me thinking - if alcohol is the only real sacrifice in my life right now, then life must be pretty good! I've been so amazed at how God has directed my life in both subtle and not-so-subtle ways, but I feel like I've never been happier. So I'm compiling a list in which God has directed me, despite my insistence on my life going a different way. In other words, things I did kicking and screaming that ended up shaping me in to the person I am, and giving me the life I love now.
The structure is as follows:
How I envisioned live my life ---> How God directed my life
I just want to get married by the time I'm 30, no rush! -->
Engaged at 19, married at 21.
I'm leaving this podunk town and NEVER coming back! --> Moved to Paradise again in 2009, now realize I love Chico and want to stay in this area indefinitely.
I will NEVER ask my dad to support me, I'm an independent adult. --> Moved back in with my Dad for 9 months, relied on his generosity to prevent homelessness.
I will NEVER go to graduate school, that is too much work! -->
Went to grad school and LOVED it.
I don't EVER want to be a therapist, I'm just doing this MFT thing to get a job at Butte College that pays $42/hr! --->
Fell in love with therapy, now make only a fraction of that salary, and LOVE what I do.
I would never choose to work with kids or teenagers in therapy
--> Now work primarily with kids, pleasantly surprised I'm starting to like it!
I'm going to work at Catalyst! --> Um, no I'm not.
Counseling Solutions is scary and no way I can do this job -->
Hey, look at me, I'm doing this job!
I will probably always be a minority as a Christian in my field -->
Now both of my bosses are Christian MFTs.
I'm sure there's more that I'm not thinking of, but it's so ironic to think of how much energy I spend planning out my life, only to find that not only does God have a different plan, but I eventually come to LOVE the plan! Even the hard stuff like feeling humiliated about me and Dustin having to move in with my dad ended up shaping the both of us into the people we are today. In fact, that was just push Dustin needed to get back into school. Dustin's life went something like this:
I will work at APC (Associated Pension Consultants) and enjoy what I do and make good money -->
Quit after coming to hate his job, felt lost and without direction.
I don't enjoy college, I won't ever get a 4 year degree -->
Now he's transferring to Chico State in the fall as an engineering major.
The funny thing is, despite all we've been through financially and otherwise in the last near-7 years of marriage, our relationship has only gotten stronger. I don't think we've ever been better than we are right now. Hardship can either drive people apart or pull them closer together, and we chose the latter.
So to summarize: great marriage, great job, happy with life, looking forward to the future.
I'm sure I'll continue to make plans, but now I'm starting to understand that it's okay if they don't all come to fruition. Sometimes God has better plans in store.
My only set plan for now is an Easter of mimosas, and that's perfectly fine with me.
Saturday, February 9, 2013
Change In Plans
So most of you probably know I recently got a job with Catalyst Domestic Violence Services. I've been starting training this last week and have been SO impressed with the organization as a whole. I thought I knew what God's plan was here, but I was in for a surprise this week.
I had explained to my supervisor at Catalyst that I needed to look for a county job for the stipend program, and that this job unfortunately didn't fulfill that requirement. Also, the job is only 26 hours/week so financially I would have to find a second job. She was okay with that and hired me, which was so great! At least I had a source of income now that my unemployment had run out, so I was really excited just to be offered this position.
I had already put out several applications in December/January so in the last couple weeks I was getting phone calls to set up interviews. I actually had 3 interviews scheduled in a 1 week period! It was crazy. Well the first of those 3 interviews was on Thursday for an agency called Counseling Solutions that I had never heard of. I had found the ad on craigslist and assumed it was private practice. I needed a job, any job at the time so I applied and didn't put much stock in it.
The interview was at 10am and I had gotten very little sleep the night before, so I was exhausted. I didn't even want to go, this job was my least priority of the three, and I couldn't wait for it to be over so I could come home and rest a little while before starting a full day of work at my new job.
It was one of the most intimidating interviews I had ever experienced! I was given a vignette and told I would be asked questions about how I would treat the family described. Dad's beating mom and the 3 kids, parents have a possible drug history, now they all need therapy. The two people that interviewed me asked really specific questions that they had specific answers they wanted to hear.
What are the clinical issues in the case?
How would you gather information to treat this family?
What possible diagnoses would you make?
How would you go about treatment?
I thought I knew what I was doing, but occasionally they would say things like "We're looking for one more thing, I think you know this." Of course I'm thinking, "I don't have a clue!" Towards the end of the interview, I asked if there would be second interviews and what the timeline for hiring would be. The lady replied "I don't know if I'll be giving you a second interview."
Great. Nice confidence boost. All I want is to go home and sleep. She gives me a tour of the place, and all the while I'm thinking "This is pointless. They're not going to hire me, this place is intimidating, I don't want to work here." I go to the lobby to fill out an application with my references and finally I'm almost out the door. Then the lady comes back out and says "Can I ask you a frank question, are you interested in the position?" No. This place is way out of my league. No way I'm qualified.
"Yeah," I replied.
A minute later, she comes out again and asks if I can come back to their office again. What, am I in trouble? Does she suspect I'm not being truthful about wanting the job? I'm so confused. They tell me this is "unorthodox" and why don't I have a seat. I have no idea what this is about.
"We'd like to offer you the position."
WHAT???? All I wanted was a nap, and they're offering me a JOB??? I was scared out of my mind at this prospect. This agency counsels families in which kids have been taken away by CPS. I have limited experience with children, have never counseled families, and this is WAY too much responsibility for a newbie like me. What the heck do they see in me?
They go on to say that they were going to interview 13 other people, but the lady knew from the second question I answered that I was a good fit. What the heck was the second question? Of course, I express that I'm very grateful for the offer and ask for a day to process it. They gladly comply and talk about a benefits package, how many paid days off I get per year, health insurance, scheduling. This is all moving way too fast. Oh yeah, and here's the real kicker. Turns out the agency is completely county-funded and is a perfect match to fulfill my stipend obligation.
On my drive home, my mind is buzzing and all I can think is "I don't want to be a therapist." I tell Dustin when I get home "I don't know what I want to be when I grow up." Kind of pathetic from a 27 year old.
So I spent my shift at Catalyst comparing jobs, considering the options. It's a grueling process and even the next day I'm not sure what I'm going to do. All I can think is what if I screw up these kids more, what if I reunify a family that's not ready. What if I'm not a good therapist, what if I get fired, what if what if what if . . . .
I took the job.
I still have an inferiority complex, still feel like I'm not worthy of this opportunity, but I decided it's better to give it a shot than to stay in my comfort zone. I know I can do this, but it's hard to BELIEVE I can do this. But if they saw something in me, maybe I need to see it too.
So please pray for me as I go into this new venture! I want to help these families heal and be a good employee, but I know I can't do it alone. Another reminder that life is what happens while you're busy making other plans!
I had explained to my supervisor at Catalyst that I needed to look for a county job for the stipend program, and that this job unfortunately didn't fulfill that requirement. Also, the job is only 26 hours/week so financially I would have to find a second job. She was okay with that and hired me, which was so great! At least I had a source of income now that my unemployment had run out, so I was really excited just to be offered this position.
I had already put out several applications in December/January so in the last couple weeks I was getting phone calls to set up interviews. I actually had 3 interviews scheduled in a 1 week period! It was crazy. Well the first of those 3 interviews was on Thursday for an agency called Counseling Solutions that I had never heard of. I had found the ad on craigslist and assumed it was private practice. I needed a job, any job at the time so I applied and didn't put much stock in it.
The interview was at 10am and I had gotten very little sleep the night before, so I was exhausted. I didn't even want to go, this job was my least priority of the three, and I couldn't wait for it to be over so I could come home and rest a little while before starting a full day of work at my new job.
It was one of the most intimidating interviews I had ever experienced! I was given a vignette and told I would be asked questions about how I would treat the family described. Dad's beating mom and the 3 kids, parents have a possible drug history, now they all need therapy. The two people that interviewed me asked really specific questions that they had specific answers they wanted to hear.
What are the clinical issues in the case?
How would you gather information to treat this family?
What possible diagnoses would you make?
How would you go about treatment?
I thought I knew what I was doing, but occasionally they would say things like "We're looking for one more thing, I think you know this." Of course I'm thinking, "I don't have a clue!" Towards the end of the interview, I asked if there would be second interviews and what the timeline for hiring would be. The lady replied "I don't know if I'll be giving you a second interview."
Great. Nice confidence boost. All I want is to go home and sleep. She gives me a tour of the place, and all the while I'm thinking "This is pointless. They're not going to hire me, this place is intimidating, I don't want to work here." I go to the lobby to fill out an application with my references and finally I'm almost out the door. Then the lady comes back out and says "Can I ask you a frank question, are you interested in the position?" No. This place is way out of my league. No way I'm qualified.
"Yeah," I replied.
A minute later, she comes out again and asks if I can come back to their office again. What, am I in trouble? Does she suspect I'm not being truthful about wanting the job? I'm so confused. They tell me this is "unorthodox" and why don't I have a seat. I have no idea what this is about.
"We'd like to offer you the position."
WHAT???? All I wanted was a nap, and they're offering me a JOB??? I was scared out of my mind at this prospect. This agency counsels families in which kids have been taken away by CPS. I have limited experience with children, have never counseled families, and this is WAY too much responsibility for a newbie like me. What the heck do they see in me?
They go on to say that they were going to interview 13 other people, but the lady knew from the second question I answered that I was a good fit. What the heck was the second question? Of course, I express that I'm very grateful for the offer and ask for a day to process it. They gladly comply and talk about a benefits package, how many paid days off I get per year, health insurance, scheduling. This is all moving way too fast. Oh yeah, and here's the real kicker. Turns out the agency is completely county-funded and is a perfect match to fulfill my stipend obligation.
On my drive home, my mind is buzzing and all I can think is "I don't want to be a therapist." I tell Dustin when I get home "I don't know what I want to be when I grow up." Kind of pathetic from a 27 year old.
So I spent my shift at Catalyst comparing jobs, considering the options. It's a grueling process and even the next day I'm not sure what I'm going to do. All I can think is what if I screw up these kids more, what if I reunify a family that's not ready. What if I'm not a good therapist, what if I get fired, what if what if what if . . . .
I took the job.
I still have an inferiority complex, still feel like I'm not worthy of this opportunity, but I decided it's better to give it a shot than to stay in my comfort zone. I know I can do this, but it's hard to BELIEVE I can do this. But if they saw something in me, maybe I need to see it too.
So please pray for me as I go into this new venture! I want to help these families heal and be a good employee, but I know I can't do it alone. Another reminder that life is what happens while you're busy making other plans!
Thursday, October 25, 2012
Humbled
So as most of you know by now, I was laid off my job about a
month ago. And if you've known Dustin and I for the last couple years or
more, you know this is not a new situation for us. We've been through a
lot financially in the last 3 years or so of our marriage. Dustin was
first unemployed in 2009, I was laid off from my secretary job that I LOVED in
2010, and Dustin lost his job later that same year. At one point we lived with my dad for 9 months while we tried to get our finances back on track.
But one good thing came out of losing my job in 2010 at Butte College - it was exactly the push I needed to start grad school. I had already been accepted into the MFT program before I knew I was being laid off, but I didn't think I could afford it and I was terrified of ever being financially destitute again. But God has shown me time and time again that I'm not in control and he's got different plans for me.
Grad school has been amazing! I've met some wonderful people, and really grown as a person and a counselor. I even got the MFT Stipend earlier this year which gave me a lump sum of money if I commit to work for a county-funded mental health agency in California for 1 year after I graduate.
What if I'm only offered a job that isn't near Chico State or East Bay?
In short, I was terrified.
The next night or so, I told Dustin how disturbed I was that all these thoughts could run through my head. Here we are, with several months worth of income to live on and me only a couple months away from a master's degree, and in my mind we're already broke and living in my dad's house again. Where was my faith?
I saw this quote on a friend's facebook status update the other day:
That night, after I told Dustin these thoughts and how I was struggling, we prayed together about it. Dustin said all the things I wasn't articulate enough in that moment to say. He said that even though right now the future looks hazy, we know God has a plan - he prayed that God would lift the fog a bit, let us know we're going in the right direction. In short, he prayed for a sign.
Two days later, Dustin was offered a job!!! A cleaning company needs someone to work nights and weekends, which works perfectly with dustin's school schedule. It was the first non-temp job he's been offered in 2 years of waiting!
Now originally that's where the story would have ended, but then something else amazing happened!
Okay, let's back up . . . In June, Dustin and I were eating in a restaurant and our car got hit in the parking lot - while it was parked, mind you. And better yet, the driver was restaurant owner's relative. Oh, and better yet - he wasn't licensed to drive that car. We tried to contact their insurance company, but they totally ignored us. So we went through our insurance company.
Now fast-forward to this last Tuesday, over four months after the accident and we still have a huge dent on the side/rear of our car and NO money. I called our insurance agent. Turns out we have uninsured motorist coverage (thank God!) and they give us the option of having their auto body shop fix it, or we can "cash out" and just get the money it would take to fix it and choose our own shop, or even just pocket the money (even the state farm guy said we could do it!).
Turns out the damage adds up to over $2600! That's about as much as we paid for the car! Seeing as the damage is all cosmetic, and would cost as much as the car is worth just to make it look nice, we decide to keep the money!
So in two days time, Dustin is offered a job AND a check for $2600 basically falls out of the sky. God, you have my attention!!!
Obviously I don't think God was rewarding me for my good faith, and I'm not naive enough to think life will be all good times from here on out. But the most comforting part of all this is being reminded that I'm NOT in control (as much as I'd like to be sometimes!) of my life - but someone who knows a lot better than me is.
But one good thing came out of losing my job in 2010 at Butte College - it was exactly the push I needed to start grad school. I had already been accepted into the MFT program before I knew I was being laid off, but I didn't think I could afford it and I was terrified of ever being financially destitute again. But God has shown me time and time again that I'm not in control and he's got different plans for me.
Grad school has been amazing! I've met some wonderful people, and really grown as a person and a counselor. I even got the MFT Stipend earlier this year which gave me a lump sum of money if I commit to work for a county-funded mental health agency in California for 1 year after I graduate.
Life got even better when I was offered a traineeship with Chico Adult
Outpatient Services. I couldn't believe it - my first REAL job as a
counselor! It was fascinating and challenging and sometimes
heartbreaking, and always stressful. But when I found out the job was
over, I was devastated. I knew it was a temp job to begin with, but it
never had an absolute expiration date and I just hoped it would never come.
But the other night I was overcome with worry. My insomnia had kicked in
and my brain was in overdrive thinking of all the terrible ways this could play
out. What if neither Dustin or I could find work before we run the
stipend money dry? We have enough income to take us through March most
likely, but I may just be getting my therapist intern number from the state at that time, so
how likely is it really that I'd have a job by then? Another issue is Dustin's
education because he's applied to Chico State and CSU East Bay in electrical
engineering, so we'd have to live in one of those areas for him to keep attending school in his major. This spurred even more questions . . .
What if I'm only offered a job that isn't near Chico State or East Bay?
What if he can't transfer because I had to take a job somewhere else, and it takes him another year or more to get back in school?
What if I don't find a job at all and we have to move back in with my dad again?
How could I stand the humiliation?
What if I fail?
What if I don't find a job at all and we have to move back in with my dad again?
How could I stand the humiliation?
What if I fail?
In short, I was terrified.
The next night or so, I told Dustin how disturbed I was that all these thoughts could run through my head. Here we are, with several months worth of income to live on and me only a couple months away from a master's degree, and in my mind we're already broke and living in my dad's house again. Where was my faith?
I saw this quote on a friend's facebook status update the other day:
In many cases I've found that it's not just about having
more faith, but about having less doubt.
~Sidney Mohede
It made me draw a distinction between faith and lack of doubt. Maybe
they're the same thing really, but how can my faith and my doubt feel so high
at the same time? On the one hand, I pray that things will work out and I
believe God has a plan, I've seen it at work before; on the other hand, I know
having faith doesn't mean things turn out okay. I don't believe
everything happens for a reason, sometimes life just sucks.
That night, after I told Dustin these thoughts and how I was struggling, we prayed together about it. Dustin said all the things I wasn't articulate enough in that moment to say. He said that even though right now the future looks hazy, we know God has a plan - he prayed that God would lift the fog a bit, let us know we're going in the right direction. In short, he prayed for a sign.
Two days later, Dustin was offered a job!!! A cleaning company needs someone to work nights and weekends, which works perfectly with dustin's school schedule. It was the first non-temp job he's been offered in 2 years of waiting!
Now originally that's where the story would have ended, but then something else amazing happened!
Okay, let's back up . . . In June, Dustin and I were eating in a restaurant and our car got hit in the parking lot - while it was parked, mind you. And better yet, the driver was restaurant owner's relative. Oh, and better yet - he wasn't licensed to drive that car. We tried to contact their insurance company, but they totally ignored us. So we went through our insurance company.
Now fast-forward to this last Tuesday, over four months after the accident and we still have a huge dent on the side/rear of our car and NO money. I called our insurance agent. Turns out we have uninsured motorist coverage (thank God!) and they give us the option of having their auto body shop fix it, or we can "cash out" and just get the money it would take to fix it and choose our own shop, or even just pocket the money (even the state farm guy said we could do it!).
Turns out the damage adds up to over $2600! That's about as much as we paid for the car! Seeing as the damage is all cosmetic, and would cost as much as the car is worth just to make it look nice, we decide to keep the money!
So in two days time, Dustin is offered a job AND a check for $2600 basically falls out of the sky. God, you have my attention!!!
Obviously I don't think God was rewarding me for my good faith, and I'm not naive enough to think life will be all good times from here on out. But the most comforting part of all this is being reminded that I'm NOT in control (as much as I'd like to be sometimes!) of my life - but someone who knows a lot better than me is.
Monday, January 2, 2012
Mandatory New Year's Blog?
Since everyone else is posting facebook status updates and blogs reflecting on last year and expressing hopes for 2012, I figured I should put in my 2 cents as well. I don't blog often because I usually feel a little self-indulgent just writing about myself, but what the hell -- buckle up people, this is all about ME!! =)
I have a much brighter outlook right now than this time last year. Had a happy holiday season with the fam, brought in the new year with friends, and now I'm looking forward to all that's coming up in the next year or so. I graduate with my M.S. in Marriage and Family Therapy in December, woo hoo! Right now I'm in the process of applying for a stipend that potentially would provide me with $18,500 (yowzers!) a year from now IF I commit to working 1 full-time year for a county-funded mental health agency in California. My best case scenario is to start volunteering or working low-level for a place like Butte County Behavioral Health as soon as this summer, just so I can get a foot in the door. This way I will increase my chances of not having to move to some other part of California to find work. I'd miss my friends too much. =(
I've also got potential prospects at Butte College, since my old boss is hoping to get the funding to hire me as a counseling intern next academic year. But if that conflicts with working for the county for this stipend, I'd have to put off Butte College for now (IF I get the stipend -- trying to not get ahead of myself). But I'm so excited at all these prospects coming up!
The next couple years will consist of me becoming a registered MFTi (Marriage and Family Therapist Intern), accumulating my 3000 hours (required for licensing), and studying for the MFT comprehensive licensing exam. It's a long road, but it's so worth it. It helps when you like what you're doing! Meanwhile, Dustin got straight A's last semester and is on his way to a B.S. in Engineering. He'll probably transfer Fall 2013 to Chico State. I'm hoping that 5 years from now, we'll both have awesome careers and maybe be able to do a little traveling. It would be so romantic for us to be whisked away to New Zealand to have a getaway in the shire . . . and perhaps walk the road to the fires of Mount Doom where we can destroy the ring of power. I know, right??
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Getting a Lift
No, not THAT kind of lift. My whole life seems to have undergone a bit of a "face lift" lately, so right now I'd like to focus on how good life is.
It wasn't too long ago that I was living with my dad, working two jobs, and asking myself "Why me???" In the last two years, Dustin and I have endured a lot of financial hardship. But you know what?
WE SURVIVED!
I admit that I didn't always appreciate the way God was providing for us. So much so that I refused to acknowledge that He was providing at all. I really did feel abandoned.. I know it's cliche, but this whole experience brings to mind the "Footprints" poem. For those of you who haven't read it, here ya go:
One night I dreamed a dream.
I was walking along the beach with my Lord. Across the dark sky flashed scenes from my life. For each scene, I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand, one belonging to me and one to my Lord.
I was walking along the beach with my Lord. Across the dark sky flashed scenes from my life. For each scene, I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand, one belonging to me and one to my Lord.
When the last scene of my life shot before me I looked back at the footprints in the sand. There was only one set of footprints. I realized that this was at the lowest and saddest times of my life. This always bothered me and I questioned the Lord about my dilemma.
"Lord, You told me when I decided to follow You, You would walk and talk with me all the way. But I'm aware that during the most troublesome times of my life there is only one set of footprints. I just don't understand why, when I need You most, You leave me."
He whispered, "My precious child, I love you and will never leave you, never, ever, during your trials and testings. When you saw only one set of footprints, It was then that I carried you."
Margaret Fishback Powers, 1964
I think I knew somewhere inside me that things could always be worse and that ultimately God had provided, but my heart was very hardened against it. I still struggle with completely trusting God with my worries, and I know I'll still try to plan for every scenario when I can. But I feel a sense of peace that I didn't have before.
Maybe that peace comes from all that I've been blessed with lately. I'm just a couple days away from my 5 year anniversary with an awesome husband, I'm in my second year of grad school which I LOVE, I just moved into a new apartment that I LOVE and allows me to walk to school and just feel less stressed overall, and I'm closer than ever to my dream career (and hopefully a dream salary!).
Then of course there's the things I've had all along that are too easy to take for granted, like awesome friends, loving family, a great church body, and a God that will always accept me even when I screw up or get angry or throw a tantrum.
This whole experience has made me more aware of just how much worse things could have gotten. Instead of being evicted and becoming homeless, my dad generously took us into his home. I think that's why I feel a whole new level of compassion for the homeless in our community. When I think of that Chico man who holds up the cardboard sign saying "THIS COULD BE YOU," I have to remember that it almost was.
So please, as my friends and family, keep me accountable! I want to be more involved in the Chico community helping the homeless, and I'm going to look into volunteering at the Torres shelter where Dustin's Uncle Jack volunteers a lot of his time. I'm not saying this to be braggy, but to keep myself accountable. Feel free to ask me a couple months down the road about this, and hopefully I'll have plenty to say!
I just read my last blog and I'm glad to say that I'm not angry anymore. I'm done being angry, and while I can't say I'm DONE worrying, I can say I do it a whole lot less. I think feeling like I've hit near rock bottom in the past has made me have a whole new perspective on life. I can be grateful in a way I've never been before. And I feel like I've dealt with enough hardship in my life to where I can handle a lot. I'm sure I'll continue to be challenged in life, but at this point it's less useful to worry and more useful to just laugh and say "here we go again!" and know that the suffering of this life will all be over eventually.
For example, when I saw the check engine light come on several weeks ago on my car, instead of saying to myself, "Of course this would happen! It's always something! This is going to cost money we don't have, how will we pay rent?," I simply thought "No point in worrying about it. We'll just see what happens. If it's expensive, we'll work it out." In other words,
LIFE GOES ON!
Money will always be stressful, cars will eventually break, bills will inevitably pile up. But you know what? I highly doubt I'll be dwelling too much on those things when I'm old. I'll be looking back on all the wonderful experiences I've had and the friends I've had the pleasure of knowing. Losing Carrisa and my mom has taught me how short life really is. I feel a sense of immediacy I've never had before to just live my life.
Whoa, it's hard to believe I can really believe all this stuff, but I do! Even Dustin has been pleasantly surprised by my new outlook. It's definitely been a gradual process, but I think he was shocked at how calm I was about that check engine light!
So for now I'm happy to say I'm done being angry and I'm determined to live life to the fullest, even when bad things happen. At least I've got a great partner in life to help me through it all.
Thanks babe for 5
great/difficult/challenging/fun/crazy/wonderful years!
great/difficult/challenging/fun/crazy/wonderful years!
No matter what happens now, I know I can get through it.
Universe -- BRING IT ON!
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