Change In Plans

So most of you probably know I recently got a job with Catalyst Domestic Violence Services.  I've been starting training this last week and have been SO impressed with the organization as a whole.  I thought I knew what God's plan was here, but I was in for a surprise this week.

I had explained to my supervisor at Catalyst that I needed to look for a county job for the stipend program, and that this job unfortunately didn't fulfill that requirement.  Also, the job is only 26 hours/week so financially I would have to find a second job.  She was okay with that and hired me, which was so great! At least I had a source of income now that my unemployment had run out, so I was really excited just to be offered this position.

I had already put out several applications in December/January so in the last couple weeks I was getting phone calls to set up interviews.  I actually had 3 interviews scheduled in a 1 week period! It was crazy.  Well the first of those 3 interviews was on Thursday for an agency called Counseling Solutions that I had never heard of.  I had found the ad on craigslist and assumed it was private practice. I needed a job, any job at the time so I applied and didn't put much stock in it.

The interview was at 10am and I had gotten very little sleep the night before, so I was exhausted.  I didn't even want to go, this job was my least priority of the three, and I couldn't wait for it to be over so I could come home and rest a little while before starting a full day of work at my new job.

It was one of the most intimidating interviews I had ever experienced! I was given a vignette and told I would be asked questions about how I would treat the family described.  Dad's beating mom and the 3 kids, parents have a possible drug history, now they all need therapy.  The two people that interviewed me asked really specific questions that they had specific answers they wanted to hear.

What are the clinical issues in the case?
How would you gather information to treat this family?
What possible diagnoses would you make?
How would you go about treatment?

I thought I knew what I was doing, but occasionally they would say things like "We're looking for one more thing, I think you know this."  Of course I'm thinking, "I don't have a clue!"  Towards the end of the interview, I asked if there would be second interviews and what the timeline for hiring would be.  The lady replied "I don't know if I'll be giving you a second interview."

Great.  Nice confidence boost.  All I want is to go home and sleep.  She gives me a tour of the place, and all the while I'm thinking "This is pointless.  They're not going to hire me, this place is intimidating, I don't want to work here."  I go to the lobby to fill out an application with  my references and finally I'm almost out the door.  Then the lady comes back out and says "Can I ask you a frank question, are you interested in the position?"  No.  This place is way out of my league.  No way I'm qualified.

"Yeah," I replied.

A minute later, she comes out again and asks if I can come back to their office again.  What, am I in trouble?  Does she suspect I'm not being truthful about wanting the job? I'm so confused.  They tell me this is "unorthodox" and why don't I have a seat.  I have no idea what this is about.

"We'd like to offer you the position."

WHAT????  All I wanted was a nap, and they're offering me a JOB???  I was scared out of my mind at this prospect.  This agency counsels families in which kids have been taken away by CPS.  I have limited experience with children, have never counseled families, and this is WAY too much responsibility for a newbie like me.  What the heck do they see in me?

They go on to say that they were going to interview 13 other people, but the lady knew from the second question I answered that I was a good fit.  What the heck was the second question?  Of course, I express that I'm very grateful for the offer and ask for a day to process it.  They gladly comply and talk about a benefits package, how many paid days off I get per year, health insurance, scheduling.  This is all moving way too fast.  Oh yeah, and here's the real kicker.  Turns out the agency is completely county-funded and is a perfect match to fulfill my stipend obligation. 

On my drive home, my mind is buzzing and all I can think is "I don't want to be a therapist."  I tell Dustin when I get home "I don't know what I want to be when I grow up."  Kind of pathetic from a 27 year old.  

So I spent my shift at Catalyst comparing jobs, considering the options.  It's a grueling process and even the next day I'm not sure what I'm going to do.  All I can think is what if I screw up these kids more, what if I reunify a family that's not ready.  What if I'm not a good therapist, what if I get fired, what if what if what if . . . . 

I took the job.

I still have an inferiority complex, still feel like I'm not worthy of this opportunity, but I decided it's better to give it a shot than to stay in my comfort zone.  I know I can do this, but it's hard to BELIEVE I can do this.  But if they saw something in me, maybe I need to see it too.  

So please pray for me as I go into this new venture!  I want to help these families heal and be a good employee, but I know I can't do it alone.  Another reminder that life is what happens while you're busy making other plans!  

Humbled

So as most of you know by now, I was laid off my job about a month ago.  And if you've known Dustin and I for the last couple years or more, you know this is not a new situation for us. We've been through a lot financially in the last 3 years or so of our marriage.  Dustin was first unemployed in 2009, I was laid off from my secretary job that I LOVED in 2010, and Dustin lost his job later that same year.  At one point we lived with my dad for 9 months while we tried to get our finances back on track.

But one good thing came out of losing my job in 2010 at Butte College - it was exactly the push I needed to start grad school.  I had already been accepted into the MFT program before I knew I was being laid off, but I didn't think I could afford it and I was terrified of ever being financially destitute again.  But God has shown me time and time again that I'm not in control and he's got different plans for me.

Grad school has been amazing! I've met some wonderful people, and really grown as a person and a counselor.  I even got the MFT Stipend earlier this year which gave me a lump sum of money if I commit to work for a county-funded mental health agency in California for 1 year after I graduate. 

Life got even better when I was offered a traineeship with Chico Adult Outpatient Services.  I couldn't believe it - my first REAL job as a counselor!  It was fascinating and challenging and sometimes heartbreaking, and always stressful.  But when I found out the job was over, I was devastated.  I knew it was a temp job to begin with, but it never had an absolute expiration date and I just hoped it would never come.  

But the other night I was overcome with worry.  My insomnia had kicked in and my brain was in overdrive thinking of all the terrible ways this could play out.  What if neither Dustin or I could find work before we run the stipend money dry?  We have enough income to take us through March most likely, but I may just be getting my therapist intern number from the state at that time, so how likely is it really that I'd have a job by then?  Another issue is Dustin's education because he's applied to Chico State and CSU East Bay in electrical engineering, so we'd have to live in one of those areas for him to keep attending school in his major.  This spurred even more questions . . .

What if I'm only offered a job that isn't near Chico State or East Bay?

What if he can't transfer because I had to take a job somewhere else, and it takes him another year or more to get back in school?
What if I don't find a job at all and we have to move back in with my dad again?
How could I stand the humiliation?
What if I fail?

In short, I was terrified.

The next night or so, I told Dustin how disturbed I was that all these thoughts could run through my head.  Here we are, with several months worth of income to live on and me only a couple months away from a master's degree, and in my mind we're already broke and living in my dad's house again.  Where was my faith?

I saw this quote on a friend's facebook status update the other day:

In many cases I've found that it's not just about having more faith, but about having less doubt.

 ~Sidney Mohede

It made me draw a distinction between faith and lack of doubt.  Maybe they're the same thing really, but how can my faith and my doubt feel so high at the same time?  On the one hand, I pray that things will work out and I believe God has a plan, I've seen it at work before; on the other hand, I know having faith doesn't mean things turn out okay.  I don't believe everything happens for a reason, sometimes life just sucks.

That night, after I told Dustin these thoughts and how I was struggling, we prayed together about it.  Dustin said all the things I wasn't articulate enough in that moment to say.  He said that even though right now the future looks hazy, we know God has a plan - he prayed that God would lift the fog a bit, let us know we're going in the right direction.  In short, he prayed for a sign.

Two days later, Dustin was offered a job!!!  A cleaning company needs someone to work nights and weekends, which works perfectly with dustin's school schedule.  It was the first non-temp job he's been offered in 2 years of waiting!

Now originally that's where the story would have ended, but then something else amazing happened!

Okay, let's back up . . . In June, Dustin and I were eating in a restaurant and our car got hit in the parking lot - while it was parked, mind you.  And better yet, the driver was restaurant owner's relative.  Oh, and better yet - he wasn't licensed to drive that car.  We tried to contact their insurance company, but they totally ignored us.  So we went through our insurance company.

Now fast-forward to this last Tuesday, over four months after the accident and we still have a huge dent on the side/rear of our car and NO money. I called our insurance agent.  Turns out we have uninsured motorist coverage (thank God!) and they give us the option of having their auto body shop fix it, or we can "cash out" and just get the money it would take to fix it and choose our own shop, or even just pocket the money (even the state farm guy said we could do it!).  

Turns out the damage adds up to over $2600!  That's about as much as we paid for the car!  Seeing as the damage is all cosmetic, and would cost as much as the car is worth just to make it look nice, we decide to keep the money!

So in two days time, Dustin is offered a job AND a check for $2600 basically falls out of the sky.  God, you have my attention!!!

Obviously I don't think God was rewarding me for my good faith, and I'm not naive enough to think life will be all good times from here on out.  But the most comforting part of all this is being reminded that I'm NOT in control (as much as I'd like to be sometimes!) of my life - but someone who knows a lot better than me is.  

Mandatory New Year's Blog?

Since everyone else is posting facebook status updates and blogs reflecting on last year and expressing hopes for 2012, I figured I should put in my 2 cents as well.  I don't blog often because I usually feel a little self-indulgent just writing about myself, but what the hell -- buckle up people, this is all about ME!!  =)

I have a much brighter outlook right now than this time last year.  Had a happy holiday season with the fam, brought in the new year with friends, and now I'm looking forward to all that's coming up in the next year or so.  I graduate with my M.S. in Marriage and Family Therapy in December, woo hoo!  Right now I'm in the process of applying for a stipend that potentially would provide me with $18,500 (yowzers!) a year from now IF I commit to working 1 full-time year for a county-funded mental health agency in California.  My best case scenario is to start volunteering or working low-level for a place like Butte County Behavioral Health as soon as this summer, just so I can get a foot in the door.  This way I will increase my chances of not having to move to some other part of California to find work.  I'd miss my friends too much.  =(

I've also got potential prospects at Butte College, since my old boss is hoping to get the funding to hire me as a counseling intern next academic year.  But if that conflicts with working for the county for this stipend, I'd have to put off Butte College for now (IF I get the stipend -- trying to not get ahead of myself).  But I'm so excited at all these prospects coming up!

The next couple years will consist of me becoming a registered MFTi (Marriage and Family Therapist Intern), accumulating my 3000 hours (required for licensing), and studying for the MFT comprehensive licensing exam.  It's a long road, but it's so worth it.  It helps when you like what you're doing!  Meanwhile, Dustin got straight A's last semester and is on his way to a B.S. in Engineering.  He'll probably transfer Fall 2013 to Chico State. I'm hoping that 5 years from now, we'll both have awesome careers and maybe be able to do a little traveling.  It would be so romantic for us to be whisked away to New Zealand to have a getaway in the shire . . . and perhaps walk the road to the fires of Mount Doom where we can destroy the ring of power.  I know, right??

I'm hoping that financial stability is coming up in the next 2 years or so, but I've become accustomed to never knowing what the hell is going on.  I'm starting to relinquish some control, which is good.  That's one thing God has taught me over and over again -- Get over yourself, you can't control life!  I hope everyone else has a great 2012 too.  A wise man once said "All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us."  So true, Gandalf.  So true.

Getting a Lift

No, not THAT kind of lift.  My whole life seems to have undergone a bit of a "face lift" lately, so right now I'd like to focus on how good life is.

It wasn't too long ago that I was living with my dad, working two jobs, and asking myself "Why me???"  In the last two years, Dustin and I have endured a lot of financial hardship.  But you know what?  

WE SURVIVED!

I admit that I didn't always appreciate the way God was providing for us.  So much so that I refused to acknowledge that He was providing at all.  I really did feel abandoned..  I know it's cliche, but this whole experience brings to mind the  "Footprints" poem.  For those of you who haven't read it, here ya go:

One night I dreamed a dream.
I was walking along the beach with my Lord. Across the dark sky flashed scenes from my life. For each scene, I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand, one belonging to me and one to my Lord.

When the last scene of my life shot before me I looked back at the footprints in the sand. There was only one set of footprints. I realized that this was at the lowest and saddest times of my life. This always bothered me and I questioned the Lord about my dilemma.

"Lord, You told me when I decided to follow You, You would walk and talk with me all the way. But I'm aware that during the most troublesome times of my life there is only one set of footprints. I just don't understand why, when I need You most, You leave me."

He whispered, "My precious child, I love you and will never leave you, never, ever, during your trials and testings. When you saw only one set of footprints, It was then that I carried you."

---

Margaret Fishback Powers, 1964

I think I knew somewhere inside me that things could always be worse and that ultimately God had provided, but my heart was very hardened against it.  I still struggle with completely trusting God with my worries, and I know I'll still try to plan for every scenario when I can.  But I feel a sense of peace that I didn't have before.

Maybe that peace comes from all that I've been blessed with lately.  I'm just a couple days away from my 5 year anniversary with an awesome husband, I'm in my second year of grad school which I LOVE, I just moved into a new apartment that I LOVE and allows me to walk to school and just feel less stressed overall, and I'm closer than ever to my dream career (and hopefully a dream salary!).

Then of course there's the things I've had all along that are too easy to take for granted, like awesome friends, loving family, a great church body, and a God that will always accept me even when I screw up or get angry or throw a tantrum.

This whole experience has made me more aware of just how much worse things could have gotten.  Instead of being evicted and becoming homeless, my dad generously took us into his home.  I think that's why I feel a whole new level of compassion for the homeless in our community.  When I think of that Chico man who holds up the cardboard sign saying "THIS COULD BE YOU," I have to remember that it almost was.

So please, as my friends and family, keep me accountable!  I want to be more involved in the Chico community helping the homeless, and I'm going to look into volunteering at the Torres shelter where Dustin's Uncle Jack volunteers a lot of his time.  I'm not saying this to be braggy, but to keep myself accountable.  Feel free to ask me a couple months down the road about this, and hopefully I'll have plenty to say!

I just read my last blog and I'm glad to say that I'm not angry anymore.  I'm done being angry, and while I can't say I'm DONE worrying, I can say I do it a whole lot less.  I think feeling like I've hit near rock bottom in the past has made me have a whole new perspective on life.  I can be grateful in a way I've never been before.  And I feel like I've dealt with enough hardship in my life to where I can handle a lot.  I'm sure I'll continue to be challenged in life, but at this point it's less useful to worry and more useful to just laugh and say "here we go again!" and know that the suffering of this life will all be over eventually.

For example, when I saw the check engine light come on several weeks ago on my car, instead of saying to myself, "Of course this would happen!  It's always something!  This is going to cost money we don't have, how will we pay rent?," I simply thought "No point in worrying about it.  We'll just see what happens.  If it's expensive, we'll work it out."  In other words,

LIFE GOES ON!

Money will always be stressful, cars will eventually break, bills will inevitably pile up.  But you know what?  I highly doubt I'll be dwelling too much on those things when I'm old.  I'll be looking back on all the wonderful experiences I've had and the friends I've had the pleasure of knowing.  Losing Carrisa and my mom has taught me how short life really is.  I feel a sense of immediacy I've never had before to just live my life.

Whoa, it's hard to believe I can really believe all this stuff, but I do!  Even Dustin has been pleasantly surprised by my new outlook.  It's definitely been a gradual process, but I think he was shocked at how calm I was about that check engine light!

So for now I'm happy to say I'm done being angry and I'm determined to live life to the fullest, even when bad things happen.  At least I've got a great partner in life to help me through it all.  

Thanks babe for 5
great/difficult/challenging/fun/crazy/wonderful years!  

No matter what happens now, I know I can get through it.  

Universe -- BRING IT ON!

Breaking the Rules

This morning I decided to be impulsive which, for those of you who know me, is out of character.  I am a planner through and through, and always frugal with my money (I'm talking George Constanza frugal here).  I know I'm broke, I know I shouldn't, but the rebel inside me just wanted to be bad today. I admit it -- I bought lady gaga tickets for tomorrow night, charged it to my credit card, and have no intention of paying it off in full for a couple months!  I know, I'm a wild woman.

I've always played by the rules.  I balance my checkbook, I went to college, I go to church, I donate to good causes, I delay gratification to save money, I only drive old cars for a LONG LONG time before buying new old cars, I set a grocery budget, I resist fast food and coffee more times than desirable, I shower and floss daily . . . shall I go on?  (Okay, I don't really floss daily -- working on that one.)

I've said NO to myself in so many ways.  Today I just wanted to say YES.  Maybe others think I deserve it, that I deserve to cut myself a break.  I don't know about that.  Yes, I am too hard on myself -- but no, I don't deserve anything.  Everything good I have doesn't come from my own goodness, and even in my anger toward God I can acknowledge that.

Sometimes I just get so tired of seeing other people make mistakes in their life and somehow they come out the other side okay.  Sometimes I ask myself why I should try to succeed when bad things just seem to happen that I can't control.  Why am I running on a treadmill, and everybody else just walks or stands still and they get to the same place, or to a better place?  The harder I run, the harder I fall, and the angrier I get.  The only thing that makes it harder is seeing other people who DO try hard in life like I do and ARE rewarded for their efforts.  What's up with that?

I know, I know.  I'm being selfish.  I don't know what's best for me, but God does.  Sometimes you can't see the forest through the trees.  The grass is always greener on the other side.  There's always more fish in the sea?

I'm running out of cliche's here.

Point being, I'm tired.  I tell myself to just keep swimming, but sometimes not even Nemo can inspire me.  I'm just so tired of Dustin and I working our asses off just to survive, constantly being on the brink of annihilation.  That stress combined with my own personal brand of crazy has led to my insomnia.  So not cool.

I've told God that I'm angry.  He knows I don't want to be.  It's not so much for myself that I'm angry, but for my husband who is the most wonderful person in my life (don't argue, those of you who knows him!) and I can tell he wants nothing more than to be able to provide for us.  God's blessed me with this amazing direction in my life:  my school path, career path, and wonderful relationships with family and friends.  So why can't he have the same?  I'd give up some of my good stuff if it would help, but I know that's not how it works.  And quite frankly, I like my good stuff.

So today I splurged and bought myself a concert ticket.  Today I'm saying yes to life, in spite of mounting debt with no immediate forseeable way of paying it off.  I figure if I'm going to be broke, I might as well have fun.  NOT having fun doesn't seem to make me any less broke, so I'm going a different route.

But I don't want to be angry.  I want to be grateful.  I've really been trying, but sometimes it's easier to fall into despair.  It's funny, I've been thinking about that George Constanza quote (yes, another seinfeld reference) about how God will kill him before he'll ever be successful.  That's how I feel sometimes!!!  But I don't want to.

Trying to be open to hidden meanings in life, want to believe at least SOME of this bad stuff happens for a reason.  Still waiting for God to show himself in a big way.  I really hope He does.

Meanwhile, I'll just put on my Pa-pa-pa-poker face and just keep swimming.  

On a side note, for those of you who told me to dress up for the concert, I refuse to wear a meat dress.

I might eat a meat dress.

Am I still typing?  

Are you still reading this?  Dang, you need a hobby. 

2011

It's a new year, and it feels like real life will have to resume soon.  Every since December 11th, I haven't felt a part of the "real world" at all.  I was out of school, it was the holidays, and I lost one of my best friends.  But I'm ready for the new year. 

On the one hand, it's a weird feeling moving on to a new year because it feels like I'm leaving Carrisa behind in 2010.  I want her to share in the joy of the new year with us, but I know she can't.  On the other hand, it kind of feels like a fresh start and I know I have to keep moving whether I'm ready or not.

There's actually a lot to look forward to in 2011.  My 2nd semester in the MFT program at Chico State will pick up in a few weeks, and I love my program and my cohorts.  Lots of new friendships to look forward to.  I also recently got a grant from Chico State which allowed me to quit my 2nd job.  No more driving myself crazy being in Chico from 8 to 5 and then coming home to do hours of homework.  Dustin is also going back to school to major in physics, so I'm excited to see him grow and learn more about the things he's interested in.  I'm also looking forward to (hopefully) being able to move back to Chico possibly this summer, if we can afford it.  My brother is no longer in Iraq (thank you God!) and I will get to see him and my sister-in-law Brooke in May when he celebrates his 21st birthday (CRAZY!).  Laura is getting married in September, and I get to be her matron of honor!  Woo hoo!  Crystal is also starting school in a few weeks, and I'm looking forward to seeing what she accomplishes in the next few years.  She's SO smart.  

Then there's my friendships, which I know now more than ever I should never take for granted.  I didn't really make any specific resolutions this year, but I think if anything, I just want to show the people I love how much they mean to me on a regular basis.  That might mean not studying until I'm blue in the face so I can have a girls night with Lynae, Lynds, and Carla, but that's okay.  Grades mean nothing in the end, and love is everything.  (Thank you Dumbledore, for that valuable lesson! ;-).  It also might mean overlooking dustin's dirty clothes on the floor and telling him I love him instead, and that's okay too.

I thought about the last times I got to hang out with Carrisa in 2010.  Exactly 4 months to the day before her passing, Carrisa had taken me out to lunch at Upper Crust Bakery for my birthday.  She treated me and even bought me a birthday bottle of Merlot.  A couple months later, I went to her apartment to talk to her about taking over the church Facebook page, but it was more an excuse to hang out.  She made tacos and we watched a movie.  I watched Glee for the first time because Carrisa wanted to show me the lady gaga songs they did, she knew how much I like her (yeah, yeah, judge me all you want!).  Norah kept saying "ba ba" and I think also "na na" because she really likes her bottle and bananas!  Carrisa also played that one Maroon 5 song that Norah loves and we laughed because Norah danced to it every time!  She so has her mother's taste in music.

I think this year I'll be more aware of how precious all these kinds of interactions can be, even when they seem so casual at the time.  I want to love people more unconditionally and not be so judgmental.  I also want to be more active in my faith and stop just being "comfortable" with what I believe.  I want to be able to give a reason for the hope that I have, and that probably means actually reading my bible more than once or twice a month!  There's a lot things to be grateful for, and perhaps near as many things to be hurting about.  But I'm going to remember what Carrisa told her mom about going through hard times:  "You can choose to be happy."  I want to choose that.  Thanks Carrisa.  :-)

My first blog

Today I was reading Carrisa's blog, I believe for the first time.  I never really got into the whole blogging world, but I realize now more than ever how much I was missing.  As I read every entry she wrote spanning back the last couple years, I realized that Carrisa was a lot deeper than I ever knew.  She went through a lot of struggles that I never got to talk to her about.  I regret that now, but I know there's no point in looking backward.

I know I'm not one to reveal my feelings too readily.  I say what I think, but I don't always say what I feel.  I wait for others to ask me because I don't want to unload myself on people who aren't really interested.  But maybe people just don't always know what to ask, and maybe that's why blogs are a good way to just let people into your life a little more.

This is something I had been meaning to start anyways, as I've felt for awhile now that I need some kind of non-school related hobby.  So I hope I can stay more connected to the people I love this way.  I'm so thankful Carrisa left those words behind for me to read, and for us to remember.   It's time to move forward now.