To My Friends at Ridge Presbyterian Church . . .

Hello friends,

I am writing this blog today to tell you all that I am officially leaving Ridge Presbyterian Church. I feel that God has been putting this on my heart for a long time now, and I think I've found a new church here in Chico that is going to be my new home.

For many years, those of you close to me know how I've struggled with the concept of gender relations in the church. I've asked myself, does God want me to be submissive? Does he want only men in positions of church leadership? Am I believing what I want to believe, or am I really figuring out what God wants for me as a woman?

I've found in my grappling with these topics that God wants everyone to be submissive, to one another and in Christ. And I've found in reading the gospels (and the old testament) that God honors women and puts them in positions of leadership and ministry again and again and again. The bible was written during a time in history when women were not typically honored in these ways, not allowed in positions of authority. And yet even Paul himself had a deaconess (not just male deacons). 

Before people make comments trying to debate with me, please know that is not the reason I'm writing this. I'm not going to try to convince anyone of my opinions. I realize they're exactly that - my opinions. And I don't pretend to have all the answers to what it means to be a woman in Christ. That's a journey that will occupy the rest of my life on this earth. But I do know that the inequality at Ridge became more than just a point of disagreement for me, it became a stumbling block. I found myself leaving Sunday sermons angry and not able to worship freely because I was distracted.

This reminds me of a discussion in Romans about people with different beliefs who all serve God.

Romans 14:5-6, 13

One person esteems one day as better than another, while another esteems all days alike. Each one should be fully convinced in his own mind. 6 The one who observes the day, observes it in honor of the Lord. The one who eats, eats in honor of the Lord, since he gives thanks to God, while the one who abstains, abstains in honor of the Lord and gives thanks to God. . .
13 Therefore let us not pass judgment on one another any longer, but rather decide never to put a stumbling block or hindrance in the way of a brother. 14 I know and am persuaded in the Lord Jesus that nothing is unclean in itself, but it is unclean for anyone who thinks it unclean. . .
22 The faith that you have, keep between yourself and God. Blessed is the one who has no reason to pass judgment on himself for what he approves.

I may not have all the answers, but I definitely have felt God tugging on my heart. Today I went to a church where all of that distraction, all of that anger was non existent. Men and women lead the service side by side, as equals. I heard an amazing woman pastor whom I felt like she was speaking directly to me. I'm reluctant to say what that church is at this point until Dustin can come with me and we can make this decision together. That's one thing we do agree on, that's it's important for us to attend the same church.

It was not an easy decision to leave. Please know I love the people at Ridge and I've learned so much from the sermons, the worship, and all of my experiences there. I've been reading and praying and thinking about this possibility for a long time now, years even. Ridge has been an important part of my Christian walk, but now a new chapter is starting.

Dustin will hate this

For once, this post is NOT ABOUT ME! I know, so disappointing. Its about my husband and how proud of him I am. He will probably not like that I'm writing this, but oh well he can live with it. Dustin has definitely taken the scenic route when it comes to figuring out what he wants to be when he grows up. I tease that he's been on the 10 year (perhaps now 15 year?) degree plan. As much as I give him a hard time, I'm actually really proud of him.

When he worked at APC, we both thought that was where his career path was headed. He's dabbled with the ideas of electrical engineering, insurance salesman, pension consultant, among other jobs. But now he's studying Computer Engineering at Chico State and has a great job working on campus doing something, uh, computer-related. Something about code and java and C++ and differential whatever-the-hell.

Point being, he likes what he's doing and YAY for no more working as a janitor! From now on the only toilet Dustin will be scrubbing is the one in our apartment.

I always knew Dustin had potential, he just needed a little kick in the butt by God once and awhile (and perhaps by his wife ;-) to get moving. Everybody's journey is different and some take longer than others, but it's exactly the way it's supposed to be. 

And I always hoped that condescending personality of his would come in handy somehow.

Hey, so long as somebody's paying him for it, it's alright by me! And I know Dustin doesn't respond well to encouragement, so instead I will say . . . thanks for not totally screwing up your life.

Okay, I can't resist. I'm proud of you, and you're gonna be a great computer engineer! And I won't understand a single bit of it. Love you anyways.

So I didn't get any job offers from Yuba or Butte colleges. *sigh* The closest I got was a retracted interview offer from Butte College for an instructor position when the filled the job so quickly I didn't even get a chance to prove why I'd be great for the job. I actually haven't felt as devastated as I thought I would feel, probably because as fall semester crept closer I was realizing that it was getting less and less likely that I would be hired. And of course I still have a full time job with benefits to be grateful for and a great work environment.

So all and all I feel like I've been handling the disappointment well. But today I just got so burnt out, so self-doubting, feeling so lazy as a counselor, perhaps because my passion just wasn't there. There are times where I love my job, and it feels good to have people thank you for helping them. But there's even more times where I'm so overwhelmed inside by these kids and these families that I think to myself, I don't know what the hell I'm doing.

I'm tempted to go the route of self-pity and just content myself with doing the minimum, but that's not who I am. I'm determined to get better at my job, learn more, and find a way to get my passion back. This disappointment is a setback, but maybe it's a wake up call too. God's keeping me here for a reason, and maybe there's still more people that this rookie counselor can help yet. Please pray for me to stay positive.

Dreams (Literal and Figurative)

Do you ever have dreams that you're in school again? I've been having this recurring dream that I'm in high school or college and I always have the same classes, but I'm always running late and I never seem to get there on time. It takes on different variations, but ultimately I'm always scrambling around trying to physically find my class and getting lost, or I realize I'm ridiculously unprepared for finals and I'm experiencing anxiety about failing a class. Didn't know what this meant until I made the connection this morning: I'm applying for jobs at schools, I've been working towards this goal for a long time, I'm ridiculously anxious to know what's going to happen next, and I'm afraid of failure.

A little over two months ago, I applied for the jobs of adjunct counselor and adjunct psychology professor at both Yuba and Butte Colleges. Being a college counselor is the job that motivated me to think about grad school as early as 5 years ago, and now I finally have the qualifications and counseling experience to possibly have a shot. I didn't expect to hear anything until July since that's when the new fiscal year begins and hiring for fall semester tends to happen.

Basically, here's the scenarios that could play out:

1) Yuba or Butte College offer me a part-time counseling or teaching position, and I attempt to continue working part-time at my current job at Counseling Solutions so I can accrue the experience hours I need to test for my license in Marriage and Family Therapy (MFT).
2) Yuba or Butte College offer me a full-time job (basically 0% chance of that, everybody basically starts off part-time, but I can dream, can't I?) and I leave Counseling Solutions and my goal of getting my therapy license forever. . . and I make a lot more money doing the job I went to grad school for in the first place.
3) I don't get any new job offers.  I continue to work at Counseling Solutions, accrue the remaining hours I need to test for my license, and test to be an MFT.  The upside would be I continue to have a stable job with benefits that may allow me and dustin to think about buying a house again.

Right now the number financial goal for me and Dustin is to buy a house. If I change jobs, I'll be making a lot more per hour but that doesn't mean we could buy one. If I don't change jobs, I continue to work a job where I often feel burned out but have the stability to consider buying a MODEST home.  One thing I've gotten better at over the years is learning to give things to God.  I've been praying a lot about this over the last several months (and years!) and now it feels like my life is coming to some climactic moment and I have no idea what the outcome will be.  So yes, I surrender myself to God, but I'm still very impatient.

Praying for wisdom for my career and financial future, not to mention patience. Meanwhile I guess I'll continue to have dreams where I'm constantly trying to go somewhere and accomplish something only to be thwarted and have to start all over again. Weird how dreams can reflect your subjective reality so perfectly.

Too Much Stuff

I find it ironic that during one of the most generally peaceful times in my life I am so aware of how much sorrow there is in the world. My job exposes me to situations in which kids are put in foster care, parents just can't stay sober, people experience death and grief and illness, and just so many variations of these situations. No one is exempt from this suffering. I work with people that range in age from 2 to the 40-somethings, and everybody has their story. It's hard sometimes trying to not carry those burdens around myself. 

I just read a story in the Chico ER that a Chico State student was killed by a tree limb unexpectedly falling on her head.  I had to read and re-read it to believe it.  A tree limb?? I picture this girl just starting her first week of school and maybe she just sat on the bench between classes to kill time. She was probably full of hope and life and so excited to be working towards her goals. Who the hell thinks they might die sitting on a bench under a tree at school? And yet I know God knew this would happen and I guess it was her time to go, but it's just so freaky. Dustin just started at Chico State yesterday, it could have been him just as easily as her. Just another of many reminders of how fragile life is.

I have been exposed to a lot of death at my job lately and it's bringing up reminders of my mom and Carrisa. I've been handling it okay so far. That's one thing I'm pretty good at in my job - separating my personal and professional life. But you can never fully check your emotional baggage at the door. In fact, it's sometimes my baggage that I'd like to think helps me relate to and help my clients. But at other times it makes me feel totally incompetent.

So please pray for my clients' sakes that I can continue my personal and professional growth as a therapist because there is just too much sadness in the world for this counselor to carry around on her shoulders. Need to take care of myself. But most of all, those of you I'm closer too, please keep me accountable to talk about these things. Sometimes I get into auto-pilot but I need good friends to pull me out of it. My heart is just heavy and sometimes I need to unload it. Writing about it is a good start. 

Once upon a time, there was a crackhead . . .

This story has never been recorded in written history, so brace yourselves. In light of my graduation ceremony in 2 weeks, I've been remembering my last graduation experience from UC Davis and how it was the most horible day ever.  So gather round children, this story is filled with intrigue, suspense, and yes, a crackhead.

It was June 17th, 2007 and I was living in Sacramento at the time.  My family had graduation tickets to get into the ceremony and were driving up that same day to meet me at the campus.  It all started when I was already dressed in my gown and lined up with the other bagillion graduates and I got a call from my dad saying they were halfway there.  Oh, and that they forgot their tickets. They had to turn around from about the Yuba City point and go back to Paradise to get them.  Blerg! 

Dustin's family was also meeting us there: his mom, grandma, and grandpa.  Turns out that grandpa wasn't feeling well by the time he got to the ceremony, so he sat in the car the whole time.  He sat in the car through the 2 hour drive there, 2+ hour ceremony, and the 2 hour car ride home. Yikes.  I felt so bad that he had to do that.

Well, my family managed to make it to the ceremony without missing me walking.  Meanwhile, I was sitting in a crowd of probably 10,000 graduates and if you've ever been to any graduation ceremony, you know it takes a freaking. long. time. to read that many names.  

I fell asleep.

The gal next to me revived me when it was our turn to finally walk up to the stage.  As I basked in my moment of glory receiving my diploma and shaking hands with a dude I had never met, I awaited the familiar cheers and faces of my family somewhere in the massive crowd.

*Insert crickets chirping here*

Okay, it wasn't quite that bad.  There was the average amount of cordial applause for other graduates you don't know, but where was my family?

Turns out they cheered for another girl whose name sounded like Jessica Marie Haaker because they were not used to my married name yet.  Hmm.

And here's where it gets good.

After the ceremony, I found my family and there were some moments of happiness in there.  Then the plan was to all drive to Sacramento and meet at Chevy's for dinner. Since my in-laws had grandpa to take back home, they wouldn't be joining us, so that was disappointing. Dustin and I drove separately and had to stop for an errand just about 1/2 a mile from the Chevy's once we got into the city.  

Enter the crackhead.

We were in a parking lot when this woman with dreadlock hair and very poor hygiene comes up to us frantically asking for a ride.  She says her son was injured somehow (bee stings, asthma, can't quite remember) and she isn't able to get to him and he's just down the street.  Normally I would be sympathetic to this situation, but not only are there Chevy's Megaritas waiting for me just minutes away, but this lady is really setting off my this-doesn't-feel-right detector.  Something is off, and I don't know exactly what it is.  She seems like she's on some kind of stimulant, and I don't trust her story completely. I suggested getting the cops to come meet her there to help, but dustin decides to offer her a ride.

It gets worse.

She sits in the front passenger seat, and I'm right behind her in our small, close-quarters dodge neon.  The B.O. is acrid and the wind from the open front window is blowing it directly in my face.  She directs dustin where to drive, and before we know it we're on the freeway.  I thought this was just down the street?  So we drive.

And we drive.

And we drive.

Finally, she indicates an exit to take and now we're in a very unfamiliar neighborhood. My intuition is telling me something bad could happen here.  What if she doesn't have a son at all? What if she's taking us to some remote location so someone there can rob us?  Finally, after what must have been at least 10 miles of driving for what felt like about 20 minutes, we drop her off.  Amazingly, we don't get robbed.  We don't see a child either, but at least we're safe.  Who knows what the real story was that day, we were taking her to a drug dealer for all we knew. Meanwhile, our family has been waiting at the restaurant for us to join them and I am STARVING, not to mention incredibly exhausted and agitated.

We quickly get out of this iffy neighborhood and make our way back to Chevy's.  We are an hour late and my poor family has been waiting all this time.  I'm so agitated, all I want is my Megarita. For those of you who have never had a Chevy's Megarita, it is their ginormous size margarita which comes in a variety of heavenly flavors.  It's one of the main reasons I chose to come here, in addition to the fajita platters which are amazing.  We finally get to there and I order a blended Megarita and a fajita platter and try to be cool.

Finally, my Megarita is here! . . . . On the rocks, not blended.

I LOST it.  I start balling my eyes out in front of the whole restaurant out of a combination of hunger, exhaustion, and anger.  After this glorious graduation day, all I wanted was my blended margarita and even that couldn't go right.

So you see kids, this is why margaritas hold special significance on my graduation day.  It's not just that they're a delicious and refreshing beverage, true though that may be.  It is that they are symbolic of everything that went wrong on my last graduation day.  And this time, well, it's time for redemption.

This is why the theme of my graduation party is margaritas.  A promised land of both the blended and on-the-rocks varieties (the latter of which is ironically now my preference) as far as the eye can see!  A land flowing with margaritas and pulled pork sandwiches, with no restaurants, no crackheads, and a land where people know my real freaking name.

 I can now look back on that day and laugh at the ludicrousness of it all. But this time around, I want my graduation day to be a happy time to remember, even when Murphy's Law kicks in and things start to go wrong.  So here's to redemption and good times with family and friends.

Cheers.

Lent Is Almost Over!

I gave up alcohol for Lent this year, something I've wanted to do for awhile but never quite mustered up the courage to do.  Now that it's one day shy of being over, I was in a reflective mood this morning and generally feeling grateful for my life.  Not sure of the connection there exactly, but maybe it's all the coffee I'm drinking putting me in a happy mood. =)

Lent was easier than I thought it would be.  I was pleasantly surprised that I was able to adjust my lifestyle to one of not even thinking about alcohol most days, because I knew it wasn't an option. But the last couple weeks have probably been the hardest, just because I know the end is in sight and it made me impatient.  I didn't think about it everyday, but it was hardest when I was around other people drinking socially and I wanted to be in on the fun.  But you'd be surprised how a virgin margarita can still make you feel like one of the girls, I still had a lot of fun with my mocktails. =)

But I haven't forgotten the reason for Lent - that we're resisting temptation as a small representation of Jesus' temptation in the dessert for 40 days, and also anticipating his sacrifice on the cross.  Seems silly to compare the sacrifice of alcohol to the sacrifices of Jesus, but at least it puts His sacrifice into perspective for me!  

This got me thinking - if alcohol is the only real sacrifice in my life right now, then life must be pretty good! I've been so amazed at how God has directed my life in both subtle and not-so-subtle ways, but I feel like I've never been happier.  So I'm compiling a list in which God has directed me, despite my insistence on my life going a different way.  In other words, things I did kicking and screaming that ended up shaping me in to the person I am, and giving me the life I love now.  

The structure is as follows:
How I envisioned live my life ---> How God directed my life

I just want to get married by the time I'm 30, no rush! --> 
Engaged at 19, married at 21.

I'm leaving this podunk town and NEVER coming back! --> Moved to Paradise again in 2009, now realize I love Chico and want to stay in this area indefinitely. 

I will NEVER ask my dad to support me, I'm an independent adult. --> Moved back in with my Dad for 9 months, relied on his generosity to prevent homelessness.

I will NEVER go to graduate school, that is too much work! --> 
Went to grad school and LOVED it.

I don't EVER want to be a therapist, I'm just doing this MFT thing to get a job at Butte College that pays $42/hr! ---> 
Fell in love with therapy, now make only a fraction of that salary, and LOVE what I do.

I would never choose to work with kids or teenagers in therapy 
--> Now work primarily with kids, pleasantly surprised I'm starting to like it!

I'm going to work at Catalyst! -->  Um, no I'm not. 

Counseling Solutions is scary and no way I can do this job --> 
Hey, look at me, I'm doing this job! 

I will probably always be a minority as a Christian in my field --> 
Now both of my bosses are Christian MFTs.

I'm sure there's more that I'm not thinking of, but it's so ironic to think of how much energy I spend planning out my life, only to find that not only does God have a different plan, but I eventually come to LOVE the plan! Even the hard stuff like feeling humiliated about me and Dustin having to move in with my dad ended up shaping the both of us into the people we are today.  In fact, that was just push Dustin needed to get back into school. Dustin's life went something like this:

I will work at APC (Associated Pension Consultants) and enjoy what I do and make good money --> 
Quit after coming to hate his job, felt lost and without direction.

I don't enjoy college, I won't ever get a 4 year degree --> 
Now he's transferring to Chico State in the fall as an engineering major.

The funny thing is, despite all we've been through financially and otherwise in the last near-7 years of marriage, our relationship has only gotten stronger. I don't think we've ever been better than we are right now.  Hardship can either drive people apart or pull them closer together, and we chose the latter.

So to summarize: great marriage, great job, happy with life, looking forward to the future.

I'm sure I'll continue to make plans, but now I'm starting to understand that it's okay if they don't all come to fruition. Sometimes God has better plans in store.

My only set plan for now is an Easter of mimosas, and that's perfectly fine with me.